Thanks for the Honesty?

For all the online dating profile pictures I've dissed on this blog, there's one photo I hate above all others.

This is the icon match.com uses for users who haven't bothered to put up a photo.  And, really, there's nothing worse than spending all the time/effort to look cute, get a camera-friendly friend to snap your pic in a relaxed environment, manage not to squint, stare, look fat, or have spinach in your teeth, only to get an email from some guy who hasn't even bothered.

To be fair, the two gentlemen who are the subject of tonight's rant did not send me an email.  Match.com "matched" me with them, much to their chagrin, I'm sure.

Bachelor #1:

With this guy, honesty starts with the headline:

Just looking, literally

Really, I do appreciate the heads up.  Sadly, match does not let him stop there.  He's required to use a minimum of 200 characters before he's allowed to start his stalking adventures.  So, he writes.

Filling this out because it's required have to see where and when I reach the two hundred character minimum, probably somewhere around here. But maybe it's a little more typing than this for me to reach that minimum.

He's following the letter, if not the spirit, of the rule.  Too bad match.com's computer can't tell the difference.

Bachelor #2:

Actually, this one doesn't admit to just trying to hit the limit.  But, if you have a better explanation for the following profile, I'd love to hear it.

i like to eat cheese cake. There really is no better way to enjoy a tasty treat then to find a nice piece of cheese cake sit right down and slowly enjoy the sweetness of all the flavors. I like cherry cheese cake, cheesecake with whip cream and of course my favorite... fresh and firm cheese cake.
i like to eat cheese cake. There really is no better way to enjoy a tasty treat then to find a nice piece of cheese cake sit right down and slowly enjoy the sweetness of all the flavors. I like cherry cheese cake, cheesecake with whip cream and of course my favorite... fresh and firm cheese cake. I would like nothing more then to enjoy some cheese cake with you.

But, please, if your explanation is going to include the notion that he isn't really talking about eating cheesecake, please keep it to yourself.  I had a very lovely dinner tonight, but that doesn't mean I want to see it again.

Married too, FYI

Just the other day my one loyal follower asked me if this blog had been silent because I had found my Prince Charming.  No.  Sorry.  I know I set up the expectation that if I don't write for a while, it generally means I'm gaga over some guy.  This time, it just means that I've been very, very busy.

I've apparently also been "busy" asking people to set me up with eligible bachelors.  In fact, I've apparently developed a reputation for that sort of thing.  I don't know how this happened.  After all, it's not like I...

Exhibit A:  Threw myself a birthday party and asked everyone to bring me a single guy instead of a present.  (Sadly, I was the only girl at that party who didn't get a date.  In fact, one couple who met at said party recently got engaged.  Congrats Rob and Jen!)

Exhibit B:  Bugged my BFF and her hubby to find me a man.   After all, I introduced them to each other, isn't it about time they returned the favor?

Exhibit C:  Found myself at a charity function, talking to some very important donors, when I let slip that if they knew anyone...I was interested.

Oops.  I guess I've done all those things!  Though, to be fair, Exhibit A was nearly three years ago and Exhibit C was wine-induced.

So, here's the proof to my reputation.  A co-worker (and good friend) recently slipped me a book with the following note inside:

  

I've done a little Photoshop to maintain everyone's anonymity.  (I can't believe I spelled that correctly on the first try.  Go, me!)  Just in case you have trouble reading purple, the note says:

Hi single girl,
I met this wonderful guy at the Book Festival on Saturday and thought [he might be helpful to you in a business capacity] He's just great.  (Married too, FYI)  Thanks!

Don't these messages usually come the other way around?  Aren't friends of single woman usually trying to encourage them to meet single men, not discourage them from accidentally hitting on the married ones?

Now, in my own defense, it's possible I haven't actually developed a reputation for stalking any guy with an empty left ring finger.  Other possible explanations:

A.  She figured clarification was necessary after calling him "wonderful" and "great."
B.  His book was about overcoming disabilities.  (If I'm remembering right, he's missing both an arm and a leg.)  Having a wonderful wife is another example of how he's living a "normal" life.
C.  She didn't mean a damn thing by it.  I just have a tendency to over-interpret things.

I bet if I were to ask her tomorrow, she wouldn't even remember writing the note.  But, I'd just like take this opportunity to say to all the friends who've brought me bachelors for my birthday, slipped away to give me a chance to flirt with a guy I find cute, or resisted the urge to hit me over the head with a frying pan every time I jokingly ask them to find me a man....thanks.  I really appreciate it!

The Power of Need

So, I've decided.  There are very few things I need in this world.  I've got a roof over my head, a great job, a full fridge, and a couple of pennies left in my bank account at the end of the month.

Like many other single girls out there in the dating world, I don't need someone to take care of me, but I'd like to find love.  It's a pretty average, ordinary story.

But, recently, I've decided that I must be a freak.  Because, while I'd love to be loved, I need to be needed.  It's not something I want.  It's something I need, like my houseplants need sunlight.  Like a swimmer needs air.

I've never been the girl who looked for the flawed guy so I could try to fix him.  I've always believed in taking people for who they are, flaws and all.  When my ex-mother in law lectured me about "making" her son act more responsibly, I'd say to her, "It was your job to raise him.  It's my job to put up with him."

On my drive home tonight, I decided that I'm not such a freak after all.  Hollywood has made quite a pretty penny on the power of need.  Need an example?

Sleepless in Seattle.  It goes like this.  Meg Ryan is a cute, successful, if impossibly thick haired newspaper writer.  While listening to a radio show, she learns of the plight of Tom Hanks, a widower with a young son who can't face life without his beautiful, perfect, dead wife.

Tom Hanks is a mess.  He's doing the best he can with his kid, but he's a man walking around with a big hole in his metaphysical heart.  It's very sad.  And Meg Ryan falls in love, sight unseen.

Now, the movie tries to make you think that Meg Ryan falls in love with Tom Hanks because he's capable of such a deep love.  He remembers the way his wife peeled an apple in one long curl, and Meg Ryan does the same thing.  Clearly, in Hollywoodland, this means they're MFEA.

Meanwhile, Meg Ryan has a fiancee.  The nerdy, but still cute Bill Pullman.

Now, Bill's got some flaws.  He tells bad jokes.  He uses one of those weird sleep apnea contraptions.   He's not perfect.

But, Bill Pullman could have been Brad Pitt.  It wouldn't have mattered.  Tom Hanks and his son needed Meg Ryan.  Bill Pullman was going to pull through just fine without her.

Meg Ryan needs to be needed, too.  So, she chooses the messed-up-guy-with-a-kid over the stable-but-slightly-odd Bill Pullman.  Who could blame her?

Maybe I'm not such a freak after all?

Things that make me go, "Huh?"

So, I know how y'all love the post where tell you about all the "winners" I've found on match.com.  (Don't y'all love that word?  I recently spent some time in Dallas, and I decided that y'all is the best word, ever!)

I feel the need to write a semi-serious post tonight, but first I'll reward you for paying attention with something fun.  Here's a collection of the most mind-numbingly confusing, weird, or awkward guys I was "matched" with over the past week or so.

Example 1:  The social butterfly.

Those of you who've met me know that I'm a pretty sociable gal.  So why, oh why, would match think this guy was a good fit?  First of all, let's take a look at what he does for fun:

I enjoy being at home but willing to go out if necessary.

Yay!  As long as I can drag you out of the house occasionally (only if necessary) then we're good, right?

How about your favorite things?

I like going to different places and trying new foods

Hmm...shouldn't that read, "I like going to different places and trying new foods, as long as it doesn't require me to leave the house?"

Maybe Mr. Sociable has something really great that's keeping him at home all the time.  Like...a pet?  

 

me and my x had a wonderfull yorki name viggo hes about 6 pounds and a great dog

Okay, that rule about not talking about your ex on the first date?  It applies double for your online dating profile!  There are a few exceptions to this rule (usually where custody of children is involved) but custody of a dog does not make the cut!

 

Example #2:  The goal-setter.

i hope to meet nice people who are willing to develop sincere friendships that may develop into a romantic relationship....

Okay, so you'd like to meet nice people (plural) for sincere friendships (plural) that may develop into a romantic relationship (singular.)  Dude, I know Kody Brown has gotten guys thinking they might be able to cash in on this plural marriage thing, but I don't think match.com is a good place to find a couple girls to help you film your own episode of "Sister Wives!"

 

 

I'm sorry for that grammatical outburst.  The Goal Setter continues...

however, this is not the main goal, although it would be nice. 

 Whew.  That's a relief.

 

i believe there are alot of nice ladies, that if they gave me a try, they would be pleasantly surprised and happy with the many fine qualities i bring to a freindship.

So...wait.  Your main goal is not to meet nice people for friendships that may turn into a relationship?  What is your main goal?  To find a new tennis partner?  To find someone to help you rob a bank?  I know what y'all are thinking.  (There's that word again!  So fun!)  I must have conveniently edited his profile and removed an reference to the actual goal.  Nope.  I gave you everything.  I'm just as confused as you are.

And finally.... Example #3:  The championship speller.

ENJOY LIFE TO FULLIEST JUST BEING ME, ALWAYS OPEN TO NEW IDEA'S, ENJOY TRAVELING WHEN I CAN. LOVE TO PLAY AFTER HARDWORK, ALWAYS APPRECIATE OTHERS JUST LOVE HUMANITY ENJOYING LIFE TO THE FULLIEST, WILLING TO MAKE A SCARFICE AS WELL AS SWALLOW MY PRIDE

A few things:

a) what's with the ALL CAPS?

b) Fulliest?  Is that one level fuller than fullest?

c) You only need to put the apostrophe before the "s" when using a possessive or a contraction.  This is neither.  Think of all the ink you can save!

d) I'm glad you're enjoying life "to the fulliest" twice in your single paragraph profile.  I could have forgotten that part after reading those other two sentences.  I'm so glad you reminded me!

e) You're willing to make a scarfice?  Is that like a scar face?  Because I really prefer my faces without scars.

f)  Why, exactly, do you need to swallow your pride?  Has your pride done something that requires swallowing?

Okay, new rule.  I never, ever, ever want to see any references to the word "swallow" in an online dating profile.  Eeewwwhhh!