Single People in their 30s and 40s are Weird

Yeah, I know what I just said.  I said single people in their 30s and 40s are weird. 

I'm single and in my thirties...approaching 40.  I am in this category of "weird" people.  I get it.  But, I spent the evening at a singles event and there were plenty of single twenty, thirty, and forty somethings there. (Where do the single people over 40 go? It must be tough. I should quit my whining.)

Anyway at this event there were plenty of seemingly normal twenty somethings. They had jobs. Apartments. Roommates. Varied interests. And somewhat moldable personalities.

We thirty and forty somethings were missing some of those vital pieces of normalcy.  Sure we had jobs.  And a place to live.  But most of us had ditched the roommates...and out with the roomies went the varied interests and moldable personalities.

Sure, you gotta grow up sometime. You can't reman a soft ball of clay forever. But somewhere along the way have we lost the abilty to bend without breaking?  Have we lost the ability to follow a different dream every night of the week?  Or try new things?  Or start over?

I met a lot of lovely people tonight but many of them were just a little weird. They had become singularly focused...locked in on the one or two things that define them. The environmentalist's life was entirely focused on that one thing.  It's not that I disagreed.  He's probably right.  But I can't imagine living every day, scared to turn on the a/c in my car because I wanted to make sure my gas mileage doesn't dip below 55 mpg.

Similarly other 30-40 year olds were defined by a love of travel.  Or a job.  Lovely people, all, but it's hard to imagine myself meshing with any of them.

That's just it...isn't it?  I'm every bit as weird as they are.  I am defined by my love of swing dancing, geeky television shows, and the pursuit of an increasingly large cadre of friends...even though I sometimes find myself without time for the ones I've already got.  What one person will ever be willing to join me in all those obsessions?

I am a 30-40 year old, and I am weird.

So, it's not that I'm looking for someone's who's not weird.  I'm looking for someone whose weirdness I can tolerate.  And, even though I met some truly lovely people tonight, none of them fit the bill.

Oh...and The Doctor Who Bit Me was there and I got pilled into a prolonged conversation with him.  Ugh.  'Nuff said.

Fifth time's the charm?

Meet Harry.

Harry likes me. He really, really likes me. How do I know this? Well, three years ago, when I first joined match.com, Harry sent me the following message.

Hi there,

You have a very charming profile. I am intrigued! Please take a look at mine and let me know if there is any interest. A profile, as such, is just that: a profile! It does not and can not even come close to conveying the true essence of me as a person.

However, I hope you like what you read/see (either or both)! I look forward to your positive response ...


Best,


- Harry

Then, when I joined again in March of this year, Harry sent me THIS message.

Hi there,


You have a very charming profile. I am intrigued! Please take a look at mine and let me know if there is any interest. A profile, as such, is just that: a profile! It does not and can not even come close to conveying the true essence of me as a person.


However, I hope you like what you read/see (either or both)! I look forward to your positive response ...


Best,


- Harry

And again in April, he sent me this...

Hi there,


You have a very charming profile. I am intrigued! Please take a look at mine and let me know if there is any interest. A profile, as such, is just that: a profile! It does not and can not even come close to conveying the true essence of me as a person.


However, I hope you like what you read/see (either or both)! I look forward to your positive response ...


Best,


- Harry

In May, when I changed my main profile photo, I received it again.

Hi there,


You have a very charming profile. I am intrigued! Please take a look at mine and let me know if there is any interest. A profile, as such, is just that: a profile! It does not and can not even come close to conveying the true essence of me as a person.


However, I hope you like what you read/see (either or both)! I look forward to your positive response ...


Best,


- Harry

And, just today, after changing my profile photo again, I got it...AGAIN.

Hi there,


You have a very charming profile. I am intrigued! Please take a look at mine and let me know if there is any interest. A profile, as such, is just that: a profile! It does not and can not even come close to conveying the true essence of me as a person.


However, I hope you like what you read/see (either or both)! I look forward to your positive response ...


Best,


- Harry

Now, if I get an obvious form letter from a guy I'm actually interested in, I'll respond. (To be honest, I'm not sure this theory has ever been tested. I think the kind of guy who's gonna hold my interest is generally going to send a personalized response.)


I understand that some guys just aren't word smiths. That's fine. Words are my thing. I don't actually need to end up with someone who's comfortable stringing compound sentences together. I'd much rather end up with someone who's adept at minor car repairs or good at remembering to pay bills on time. (Don't worry. I always get the bills paid. Just not necessarily on time!)


But, Harry, at least according to his profile, is capable of using the English language. After all, Harry has (and I'm quoting,)

Three grad degrees in different but highly relevant areas - two from an Ivy League school and one from a Big Ten program.

 In fact, Harry doesn't have the slightest problem with words. He even quotes Shakespeare and the Sound of Music! (Though, in the interest of not losing my three dedicated readers, I'll spare you the Julie Andrews reference.)

Like Shakespeare said, "If music be the food of love, play on"... after all, love is nothing but friendship set to music :-)!! For starters, I am a tall, athletic, decent looking, well educated, financially secure, professional with an active lifestyle and a great sense of humor. I am in search of my soulmate! A sweet, pretty, feminine lady with a bright personality and a quick wit is *all* (!!) that I ask for!

(I have to mention here that Harry's overuse of the exclamation point has made me re-evaluate that pesky piece of punctuation in my own writing. I promise. I'll try to use it more sparingly in the future.)


I decided, for my good deed of the day, I'd write to Harry and let him know that receiving the same form letter five times does not make a girl feel special. I tried to be nice. After all, Harry might not be my type, but he seems like a nice enough fella. If the only thing separating him from finding his true soulmate and living a happy life is an unnecessary reliance on form letter emails, it would be remiss of me not to point it out.


Besides, match.com said I needed to send two more emails this billing cycle in order to redeem my six months free guarantee. The rules don't stipulate that I actually have to be interested in the people who receive those emails!


So, this is what I sent. The goal was to offer a little constructive criticism, without making him think he should use this new-found strategy on me. How did I do?

Harry,


You've sent this exact message to me four times since March. And I'm pretty sure when I was on match 3 years ago, you sent the same exact message then, too.


I'm not interested, but maybe you'd like some friendly advice? Women are much more likely to respond to you if they feel like you've at least made the effort to write something personal. Maybe in the email you could reference something specific that you found charming about their profile? Then they know that you think they're special, and not just one of dozens of girls you email every day.


Good luck!

While I Was Out

So, between going ga-ga over a guy for a couple weeks and going on vacation with my parents, it's been a while since we've gone through the pile of winners in my inbox.  So, here's a few more don'ts, for those of you who might be considering posting profiles on dating websites.

First of all, I know it's tough to get a green card.  This is the land of opportunity, blah, blah, blah, and I don't blame you if you'd like to find yourself a nice American girl to settle down with and live the American dream.  But, if that's your goal, maybe you should start first by having one of your new American friends (you do have friends, don't you?) snap a pic of you?  Because, really, anything's gotta be better than using your passport photo, complete with watermark.  Does anyone look good in their passport photo?

Second, I get that you might be shy.  You might have a big, important job (who doesn't?) and you seem to think that people will think less of you if they know you're on a dating website.  But, dude, you know what I look like.  On what universe do you think it's fair that this is all you give me of yourself?

Here's a hint.  If your photo doesn't give me enough information to be able to find you in a crowded bar or coffeehouse, I'm not ever going to agree to meet you at a crowded bar or coffeehouse.  And, since I don't actually know you, I'm certainly not going to agree to meet you somewhere else!

And, finally, I really hesitate to post someone's ENTIRE eHarmony profile.  I mean, I don't actually want any of these guys to be found out by family and friends as someone who's committed some sort of Single Girl Non-Recommended Online Dating Faux Pas.  But, our friend Michael, here, has posted so little information about himself, that I feel none of his friends would recognize him.  After all, his photo was quite clearly taken in 1975.  (At least, I hope his photo was taken in 1975.  If it was taken recently, we have bigger problems on our hands!)

Wow.  That's just a wealth of information there.  Let's take into account that the "According to my friends" question is multiple choice.  That means this guy managed to write an online dating profile using just 15 words, including his name.  That's impressive.  Can you imagine sitting across the table at dinner with him?

Question:  "So, what do you like to do?"

Answer:  "Stuff."

Question:  "Cool.  What kind of stuff?'

Answer:  "Um...fun...stuff."

Oh, wait, I've already been on that date.

They Make it Look so Easy...

I just got back from a week's vacation with my parents.  Let's let that sink in for a moment.  I'm a 37 year old woman who just went on vacation with HER PARENTS.  A decade younger and I might still be in the age range of someone who could understandably be mooching off the folks.  A decade older and you might expect my parents to be mooching off of me.  But, I'm in that odd in-between age when a vacation with Mom and Dad brings with it a nagging sense of failure.  By this time in my life, I expected to be herding around a couple of kids across the country to show them the sights, not calling for the shotgun seat in my parents RV. 

Once I got beyond worrying about what a 37 year old's vacation is supposed to look like, and focused on what my vacation actually was, I had a lovely time.  Except for one thing.

Have you ever felt like a third wheel while hanging out with your own parents?

I have to say, this wasn't a shock.   My parents have always been the lovey dovey type.  But, I kinda thought, after being stuck at the hip 24/7 for the past three months (they've been traveling around alone in that RV since April) they would have gotten tired of each other by now.   But, on the bus ride back from a long hike, I look over and see they're holding hands and looking out the window together.

Sure, they still get annoyed with each other.  Sometimes, when I manage to get my mom on the phone (their itinerary seems to be taking them through every single no-coverage area on AT&T's map) it'll take her a half hour to come up for breath while telling me about the little things my dad does that annoy her.  And once, while driving over unfamiliar territory before his first cup of coffee, my dad did speak a teensy bit harshly to my mom and I, before quickly making a joke and laughing it off.

But, for the most part, my folks have got it figured out.  This, despite the fact that in one major respect, they couldn't be more dissimilar.

My mom is the most optimistic person you'll ever meet.  She can even make me look like a cynic.  If you know me, you know that's quite a feat.

My dad is prone to brooding.  Sometimes his moods can stretch on for months.  And nothing drives an optimist like me and my mom crazier than a brooder.

I think my dad might otherwise be considered depressed, if he wasn't married to my mom.  There are definitely times when he's overcome with worry, dismay, or even hopelessness.  But, in their more than 45 years together (my parents were high school sweethearts) my clinically depressed father has adjusted to living with my unflinchingly optimistic mom.

These days, he might better be described as a depressed optimist, or a optimistic depressive.  Imagine the most downtrodden statement from Winnie the Pooh's Eyore, said in the chipper voice of Tigger.

And my mom, who like many mothers has a compulsive need to "fix" everything, somehow can simply ignore my dad's moods.  She's never been able to give herself (or her kids) the emotional freedom to feel negative emotions, but she lets my father's dark moods just roll through unnoticed.

I have to say, even after watching this dynamic play out my whole life, I'm perplexed at how it works.  It certainly doesn't work for me!  My ex-husband was depressed all right, but his moods didn't roll off me.  They consumed me.  Instead of ignoring his drama and waiting for it to play out, I'd spring into motion, trying everything I could to lift him out of his depression.  I'd even take on some of the blame, letting him try to convince me that if I was just a little more (insert the complaint of the month here) he would have no cause to be depressed.


So, how do my parents make it look so easy?  Is it simply that they've been together since they were 15 and 16.  Are they so very well suited because they basically became adults together?  Their personalities formed in the shadow of the other, so that they would forever be, not necessarily what the other person wants, but what the other person needs.

If so, am I twenty years past my prime?  I mean, I am who I am.  The guys I meet are who they are.  We're no longer soft clay.  There is no longer the possibility of molding our personalities to fit the other's.


But, unlike my mom, I don't need someone who can go along with my Pollyanna view of the world.  And, unlike my dad, I don't need someone who can pretend that I'm not in a bad mood.  While my parents need each other to counter-act the extremes of their personality, I strive to be a whole person, all on my own.  I don't need someone who's a perfect foil for my imperfections.  My imperfections are my business.  I just need someone, also an imperfect whole person, who's willing to deal with their own crap...and let me deal with mine.

That can't be too hard, can it?

He's Just Not That Into Me

Sorry for the lack of updates recently. I was off in la-la land.

La-la land is described as the place where the Single Girl goes when she thinks she's found a keeper. I admit it, I'm a sucker for that happy little rush of endorphins that comes when a guy I like contacts me. If I don't like a guy, a simple "How ya doing" text will annoy the crap out of me. But, if I actually like him, it'll make my heart skip a beat and a big broad smile to come to my face.

Anyway, for about two weeks I was virtually overdosing on those happy little endorphins. The texts and emails came every couple of hours, and I liked it. I started telling people I had finally found "a communicator."

Last week, my Communicator was out of town and the communication slowed. This week, it's come to a virtual stop. Nothing since early yesterday morning. Yeah, I know, for a normal guy, that would be nothing. But, for the guy who had once sent me a text message letting me know that I might not hear from him for 2 hours it was because he was going into a very important business meeting, it was quite clear that something had changed.

As we've pretty clearly established, I've made a lot of mistakes in the dating world. In the past, one of the recurring themes was a stubborn insistence that if a guy wanted to break up with me, he needed to "man up" and do it. I wasn't giving anyone any easy outs.

But, then, I discovered this:


I apologize to the friends who had to listen to me read entire chapters of this book out-loud on what would have been an otherwise relaxed beach day last summer. Most of time I think self-help or relationship books are utter crap. But, the simple question of this book (born out of a Sex and the City episode and used to inspire a really cheesy Hollywood movie) is why, oh-why would any of us ever settle for someone who's settling for us?

Never fear, friends. This is not a sad tale. Yes, things did not work out with my Communicator. I just sent him an email acknowledging that our little thing had "run its course." I'm simply no longer interested in dating a guy who's just not that "into" me. And, frankly, I was no longer all that "into" him either.

So, I'm moving on from my Communicator (a.k.a. #24.) Anyone got any suggestions for #25? ;-)

Managing Expectations

So, ya'll might think that I just write this blog to amuse my friends with my silly dating stories. And that's true! Nothing makes me happier than making my friends giggle.

But, I also write this blog to remind myself of mistakes I've made in the past and my resolve to avoid them. So, here's a big one. When I'm going swimming on a hot day like today, I properly prepare myself. I dip a toe in the water, to make sure the temperature is nice. I check my swimsuit to avoid any "wardrobe malfunctions." And, then I dip myself in the water, oh so slowly, because I just hate those milliseconds of anticipation when I'm suspended in midair and wondering exactly how cold it's gonna feel when I hit the water. I always want to will myself back onto dry land.

See, doesn't that look nice? So cool and inviting...

Well, when it comes to relationships, I jump right in. With both feet. I don't check to make sure the water's not too cold. Heck, I don't even check in to see if there's enough water to keep me from breaking my neck. I meet a guy. I get infatuated. And I jump right in.

Weeks, months, or even years later I wake up and find myself lying next to a stranger. I find that I've been living in denial about undeniable incompatibilities for which there is no compromise. I find that although I might love the guy I'm with, I might not like him very much. Or at all.

This has not resulted in good things in my life.

So, I've resolved to be more careful. No. I'm not going to become a cynic. Cynicism would be too much of a shock for my genetically optimistic nature. But, you know, I need a healthy balance. I need to keep my eyes open and remember that no matter how inviting the pool looks, I need a little more information before jumping right in.

That's the problem I'm having today. I have a second date tomorrow, and I'm kinda excited about it. Under the new world order, I'm not supposed to be getting excited about a second date. Heck, I'm not supposed to be getting excited about a second month of dates!

So, remember the 20? Any time I find myself getting too excited about a date, I think I'm going to remind myself of a past failure. Today I think we'll chit-chat about #12.

For the Sake of the Fans...

What fans, you may ask? Good question. Really, I just have friends. And my friends think it's funny to ask me to do things "for the sake of the fans."

So, on Sunday, at the insistence of my "fans," I went on a date with the Dunkin Donuts guy. Remember him?

(Truthfully, I went out with him because I'm trying to give nice guys a chance, as long as the reasons I'm not into them seem frivolous. In the past, I've given jerks all kinds of chances to prove my first impressions wrong. But, I've never been good at giving second chances to guys who just don't excite me at first. I'm trying to be better at that.)

When we talked on the phone, I was totally turned off by his accent. At some point he had vaguely claimed to have "grown up" near Boston, so I assumed his was the worst Boston accent I had ever heard. But, the second he pulled up in his Mercedes Hybrid SUV and flashed his TAG watch, it was pretty clear he wasn't from Boston.

First, Dunks guy was a bit more swarthy than I had expected. No worries. I don't mind swarthy! But, it was pretty obvious that his Boston accent was being enhanced by something a bit more foreign.

It takes him a full hour to admit it, but he's a Jew from a Middle Eastern country. (No, not Israel. And, yes, I remember which country it is. But, I'd hate to give too much info about this guy on a public blog, so we'll leave it at that.)

He fled his home as a young teenager and sought asylum in the US. His parents couldn't leave, so he came alone. He came here with nothing and is clearly now quite successful. I'm not a person who's turned on by signs of wealth (like the watch and the car. I might notice them, but that doesn't mean I'm impressed by them!) But, I am impressed by someone who made so much out of so little. That's pretty cool.

Unfortunately, I wasn't attracted to Dunks Guy, physically or intellectually. At the end of the night, he said something like, "You can pick the place next time." I kinda giggled and said, "I'll think about it." I think he got the hint, because I haven't heard from him since.

I never know what to say in that situation. When a guy asks me out the first time, and I'm not interested, it's easy. A simple "no, thank you" is perfectly appropriate. But, when you've just gotten up from across the dinner table after having a perfectly decent time, it seems so much more personal. And I guess it is. I'll have to think a little on whether I handled that in the best possible way.

Anyway, one of my friends later suggested that I should have gone on a second date, just so I could count his gold chains. She says every guy of this ilk she's met has been wearing at least two or three gold chains.

I don't remember looking for gold chains, so I am curious to learn if he wears any. But, going on a second date with a guy I know I'm not into sounds just...well...rude.

So, here are some things I won't do, for the sake of the fans.

1. I will not lead a nice guy on when I know I'm not interested. (Yes. The use of the word "nice" is on purpose. I have yet to decide if I'll lead a jerk on, just to document exactly how much of a jerk he is!)

2. I will not do anything icky! (This rule was born when a friend suggested I should contact TMI guy again, just to see where the conversation would go this time. Remember TMI Guy? Yeah, gross enough already. I don't need to hear any more!)

3. I will not write about guys I'm really interested in. This is the tough one, because when I meet someone I actually like, I certainly want to let everyone know. But, I went on a really, really good date on Monday and I just can't bring myself to write about it here. Maybe I think I'll jinx it? Or, more likely, I just think it's kinda rude. (Rude seems to be the word of the day! Apparently I'm in a very polite mood this evening.)

So, I promise, if this one crashes and burns, I'll tell ya all about it. In the meantime, I still have 19 of the 20 first dates to tell you about!