A Boy Named Sue and Other Updates...

I'm sure not one of my two faithful readers has been lying awake at night wondering where I've gone.  For the record, everything is good.  Quite good, in fact.  So good that I don't want to blog about any of it, because I'm superstitious that way.

But, I don't want either of you to suffer from withdrawal, so I'll update what little there is to update. 

First of all, remember psycho?  Way, way, way back in May?  No?  Gosh, I really thought everyone was taking notes.  Okay, here's the quick synopsis.  (And the not-so-quick synopsis.)

He asked me out for a walk on a Saturday afternoon.  I said "sure."  A few dozen emails later, he asked me out for Friday night instead.  When I said I was busy, he guilt tripped me into thinking waiting an extra 20 hours to meet was unreasonable.  It all went downhill from there and culminated in him calling me "crazy" and talking about urinating in my car.

So, out of absolutely nowhere, I get an email from Mr. Psycho this week.  As usual, it was witty, charming, and well thought out.

how are you?

Ahhh, yes.  Mr. Psycho thinks a three word "sentence" lacking in capitalization is going to be enough to lure me back into a conversation?  Mr. Psycho is clearly still...psycho.

Okay, but now, as promised, on to the Boy Named Sue.  The boy was not actually named Sue.  We don't use real names of guys we actually meet in this blog.  But, he was "gifted" with an otherwise feminine name.  Poor BNS.

BNS and I email chatted for a few weeks before we actually met.  We had a phone "date."  We hit it off well enough, but due to his busy schedule we didn't actually meet until nearly two weeks ago. 

I have this to say to BNS.  Ya snooze, ya lose.  In between scheduling a date with BNS and actually attending said date, I struck up a conversation with the current object of my affection.  We scheduled our first date very quickly and by the time I set out to meet up with BNS, we were already planning our second date.  So, I knew walking into the bar to meet BNS that he didn't have a chance.

That said, I also knew when I walked into the bar to meet BNS that I didn't have a chance in hell of recognizing him.  My only hope was that he would be late, and therefore tasked with the job of finding me.  Luckily, that's exactly what happened.

BNS is that he only had two photos posted on match.  The first was a fish photo.  You know the type...back to the sun, baseball cap on head, holding a prize catch.  They're all pretty much the same, so I didn't feel bad stealing a few from the web and making a montage.

No, none of these guys are the BNS. 

The subject in all these photos is the fish, not the guy.  So, if you're trying to let someone know what you look like (on a dating site, for example) it's not a really good choice.  If you're trying to hide your identity because you're in witness protection, it's totally the way to go.

BNS's second photo was an extreme close up.  Putting together a montage of this type of photo was a little more difficult.  I had to get creative.

None of these guys are the BNS either.  One of them isn't even real.

Incidentally, when I tried to find some "extreme close up" photos on google images, this is what I came up with.

Very funny, but it didn't make my point.  You can totally tell what Wayne and Garth look like.

So, it should come as a surprise to no one that when I finally met BNS, I spent the next ten minutes completely confused because he didn't look anything like I expected.  Maybe I'm dating myself here, but it's kinda like the first time I found out Casey Kasem looked like this:

No.  Casey Kasem is a little man in a funny sweater?  Say it isn't so!

I spent the next two hours having a polite, friendly conversation with the Boy Named Sue.  We laughed.  We had a good time.  We exchanged biographical but not personal information.  But, the entire time I was dreaming of Date #2 with the other guy.  BNS asked me out again, but I politely declined. 

And that's the story of the Boy Named Sue...how do you do?

How Jane Austen Ruined Me for Real Men

My evening gym experience is always so much better when something good is on TV.  Today,  I breezed my way through 3.5 miles on the treadmill while watching the last 40 minutes of Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice.  It was the Keira Knightly version, which according to the ever-useful imdb stars a dreamboat named Matthew Macfadyen as Mr. Darcy.

Whew!  The brooding eyes.  The open collar.  The mullet!

As I tried to ignore my tight right hamstring, I found myself thinking (and not for the first time) how finding love would be so much easier if I had never heard of Jane Austen.  It doesn't help that I started reading her novels as a ridiculously bookish 4th grader.  Before I even realized that boys didn't have cooties, I already had unrealistic expectations.

For me, the problem isn't that Austen's men are so charming, or so dashing, or so gorgeous.  (Though, I have developed quite a fascination with broody eyed men in frilly shirts.  I'm just saying!)

No, the problem is that Austen's men are so terribly flawed.  They're mean, judgmental, aloof, harsh, and rude.  And have I mentioned the brooding?  I'm really not a fan of actual brooding.

But, somehow, by the end, an Austen man always turns it around.  After wrongly convincing a friend to scorn your older sister, he saves your family from social ruin by forcing the man who ran away with your younger sister to marry her.

The other Mr. Darcy.  Who could resist Colin Firth after this one?

Or, he's been criticizing your every move because he's loved you for your entire life and never even knew it.

Don't worry.  The distressed look on Gwyneth's face isn't caused by the beautiful man standing behind her!

And, when you finally realize that you love him too, there's nothing left to do but to profess your eternal devotion while standing in a field of flowers, or in front of a beautiful sunset, or while getting drenched in a torrential rainstorm.

Oh, Mr. Knightly.  You're such a scamp.

In Austen's world, a rough, dark, moody, harsh military man can turn into a sweetheart who's just worried about the fate of a young woman he promised to look after.

I have never before, and will never again, think that Alan Rickman is sexy.  But, Austen-ized, he's a dreamboat.

And another rough, dark, moody, harsh military man is just trying to hide his unwavering love for you, even though you scorned him years ago and sent him off to face certain death while seeking his fortune in the military.

I recommend the 2007 version of Persuasion.  Rupert Penry-Jones as Captain Wentworth smolders like no other!

And that guy who broke your heart?  He was just being honorable.  He ripped out your soul so that he wouldn't break a promise to another woman.  An annoying, shrill, high maintenance, gold-digger of a woman.  But, still, his promise to her is oh-so-much more important than your puny little heart.

Even Hugh Grant looks good...not at all like the kind of guy who'd get caught with a transvestite prostitute.

As you probably have noticed by now, when it comes to Jane Austen's men, I've read them all, watched them all, and even dreamed of them all.  Sadly, when I find a man who's rude, brooding, harsh, moody, or even overly critical, I don't run.  Instead, like a heroine in a Jane Austen novel, I wait for him to turn it all around.

Sometimes I wait a very long time.  12 years is my current record.  And, you know what?  They never do turn it around.  Rude, brooding, harsh, moody and overly critical men are exactly what they appear to be...even if they agree to wear a frilly shirt for Halloween.

(True story.  I got my ex-husband to wear one once.  It didn't change who he was inside.)

But, you know what?  Relying on Jane Austen to teach you about love is like allowing a kid who's played that "Operation" board game to actually operate on you.  Jane Austen died alone.  By most accounts, she never found love.  Sure, if you watched that "Becoming Jane" movie, you might think Austen was a pretty, Anne Hathaway type who had a passionate love affair with James McAvoy.  But, that's a movie, people.  There might be bits of it that are true, but it's no less than 90% Hollywood.

If you're gonna have just one passionate love affair before dying alone, James McAvoy is a mighty fine choice!

So, tonight, I pledge to dream about sheep.  Or rainbows.  Or aliens coming down to take over the earth.  Really, anything but an Austen man.  Because, well, I deserve so much better than Austen has to offer.

Karma Coming My Way...

I know this is going to be hard to believe, given all the nasty things I write on this blog, but I generally consider myself to be a pretty nice person.  I try to be considerate.  I try not to hurt anyone's feelings.  And, although I have a tendency to vent my frustrations loudly and (hopefully) with great humor, I really don't hold ill will toward anyone.  (With the possible exception of Mr. Crazy Pants, because he deserves it.  I promise.)

So, why do I say such nasty things on this blog?  I mean, sure, I'm theoretically hidden behind anonymity, but most of you know exactly who I am.  

The answer came to me the other day.  I was actually trying to explain away the mind-boggling and (I believe) unintentionally hurtful remarks one friend had made to another. 

I told my friend that the other girl hadn't meant the things she said.  I told her that people sometimes say awful things to try to hide the fact that they are lonely.  I said that it can be easier to make fun of the guys who are available than it is to come to grips with the fear of being old and alone.

Wow.  I was speaking of someone else, but doesn't much of that apply to me?  I don't really consider myself lonely, but I'd be lying if I said I was never afraid.  I'm afraid of choosing another soul-suckingly bad relationship.  I'm afraid not having any kids or grandkids to visit me in the old folks home.  And, yes, some days I'm afraid of becoming known as "that girl" who keeps getting caught making out with random guys on Moody Street.  (I'm so glad my mom doesn't know about this blog!)

So, to all the online daters I've poked fun at, I'm sorry.  I wish you well.  You might not be "the guy" for me, but there is someone out there for you.  She's probably someone who doesn't care about whether you ignore the helpful red lines of spell check, but still...she's out there!

Does this mean I'm going to stop documenting my dating adventures?  No way!  But, I'll try to make a better effort to point at least half the jokes at myself.  And I'll try to remember that every time I make a snap judgment about some guy's online dating profile, there's probably someone else on the other end of a computer screen saying, "She's too old."  "She's too fat."  "She's too ____."
 

Beginnings...

Anyone who's ever taken a writing class knows that beginnings are important.  The first paragraph of a term paper should set up the thesis.  The opening scene of a movie needs to grab the viewer's attention.  And the first sentence of an online dating profile should, at the very least, make me want to read the second sentence.

You'd be surprised how often that doesn't quite happen...

So, first...to all the guys who start their profiles with some version of "I can't believe I'm doing this" or "it's really hard to describe yourself in a few words"--get over it.  We ALL can't believe we're doing this, and we ALL have no idea how to describe ourselves in a few words.

Let's take a closer look at a few of the very special guys who checked out my profile after my latest re-design.  (By the way, the new haircut photo is still getting a lot of attention.  Who knew?  From now on, all my profile pics will be taken immediately after a professional styles my hair!)

Lesson #1:
Listen to the advice of others.  This is not a post about photos, but this one requires a visual aid.



OK, so I showed my coworker my match profile and she said, "Let me see your photo, make it bigger." I clicked on it and she said, "Oh my Jesus, you look like a freakin' psycho!". Who knew? 

Dude.  Yours is the creepiest photo I've ever seen.   Listen to your friend!  Besides, according to your profile, you're a professional photographer?  This photo makes me question your skills...and your judgment. 

Lesson #2:
Phrases like "white male" should be reserved for police reports and scientific studies.

I am a white male in good shape who acts younger than my age who's looking for a partner that is out going and even tempered.

 Also, noun/verb agreement is important. 

Lesson #3:
Save the fine print for later.



Professional male seeking confident or semi confident woman who knows how to enjoy quality of life. Please no sugar babies looking for sugar daddy to provide happiness and success.

Really?  This happens to you all the time?  You feel like you need to start your profile with this caveat?  I know a lot of women who are/have been/will someday be on match.com, and none of them are looking for a "sugar daddy."

Lesson #4:
Get a proof-reader.

i would like to take her out to eat … 
i'm looking for a serrious relationship,possibley more. no games. ready to settle down,someday have kids. family oreanted man i am.



Typos happen.  There are dozens of them in this blog.  But, try not to sound like Popeye when you write, don't ignore the little red lines that tell you something is misspelled, and make an attempt at punctuation.  At least hit the "shift" key every once in a while!

Lesson #5
If you feel compelled to start with a joke, make sure it's a funny one.

They say a man should always dress for the job he wants...so why am I dressed up like a pirate in this restaurant?

This guy is wearing a business suit in every single picture, and his joke sounds like it's straight from "Public Speaking for Dummies."

Lesson #6:
Try not to clue potential dates into the reason why you're still single.

I like a woman who is secure and can give and take a joke without getting offended or taking everything personal. 

So, you've had a lot of girls walk out on you after you say something stupid, eh?

Lesson #7:
If you're gonna claim to be something, try to make it believable.

I, am a writer at heart. 

One question for ya, Mr. Writer.  What's that comma for?



Lesson #8:
Cut out the business talk.

I work hard in the tech area, dry type of job working with intangibles which triggers the need for more soft and enjoyable activities to make the balance. 

This is a pet peeve of mine.  If something is actually intangible, you can't work with it.  It's just not possible.  Beyond that, what exactly are "soft" activities?  Pillow fights with extra fluffy pillows?  Bouncing around in the ball pit at Chuck E. Cheese?

Lesson #9:
Don't start with a bunch of things I already know:

im 5"9 brown hair and brown eyes ..38 years old have two children.

Yep.  That's all listed in your profile.  Anything else you'd like to share?

Lesson  #10:
Avoid yelling.



PLEASE READ THE WHOLE PROFILE.....

Seriously, dude?  Demanding already?  You haven't even met me.  I can't deal.

Prettying up the Profile/Meet Jose

As of this week, I've officially been on match.com for six months.  For some, that might feel like utter failure, but I'm thinking it's not such a bad deal.  I signed up for the six month guarantee, and unlike the other thousands of people who fall for that trap, I actually met all the requirements to redeem it.  So, it's a free six months for me.  Whooo Hoooo!

One thing you learn from being on match.com from six months, the best way to get the computer to put you high in the search results is to update your profile.  So, this week I went for a complete overhaul.  I got a new haircut, had a friend take a new profile pic, and uploaded away.

Unfortunately, my new pic was so pretty, the computer didn't believe it was me!  It was approved as an "additional photo only" because some fancy software tagged it as a photo in which the subscriber did not appear. 

Two moderately annoying email exchanges with match.com customer support later, I finally have myself a new profile pic.  (Seriously, why on earth should that have taken TWO different customer service reps to get fixed?)  I also changed a few paragraphs here and there, with an eye towards brevity.  As you might have noticed, I tend to be a bit verbose.

All of this results in a whole flurry of new views.  Guys are looking at my profile left and right!  Most of them are only looking, not writing.  But hey...you gotta start somewhere!

Apparently, I'm starting with Jose.

Wow, Jose.  Where do I begin with all the things that are wrong with this picture?

Beyond wanting to show me his keen eye for interior decoration, (I particularly adore the way he hung the US map askew.  Very edgy.)  Jose also wants me to know that he owns horses and enjoys "travel yam sport."  The last book he read was apparently called "any." 

Jose also claims to be "slender."  Don't get me wrong, slender guys kinda creep me out.  The mere idea that a guy might weigh less than me sends me into nervous fits.  So, I'm not judging Jose's body type to be wrong in any way.  All I'm saying is, judge for yourself, but Jose is either wearing a shirt three sizes too big, or he's not "slender."

I actually think Jose might be a nice guy.  There was something sweet about his little email to me.  (Maybe it was the fact that he called me sweety?) 

English is clearly not Jose's first language, and that's fine.  But, whatever language Jose first learned to speak probably included some sort of punctuation.  It likely used capitalization as well. 

Jose's profile?  Well...not so much.

i would love to get involved activites any time of year i love life and every thing that como withit enjoy having good around me you only live once i liike to going for dinner i would like to have girl very personality family loveing good future and love for ever some times we forget about how lucky are to be here i looking for good girl i not looking for jump thank for reading my profile

Huh?

The silly things I miss...

So, I'm calling myself the "Single Girl" on this blog, but the truth is most of my adult life I've been in what match.com likes to call "serious committed relationships."  The last time I was actually single, my girlfriends liked to joke that I was the girl who "doesn't stay single for long."

I've been single for a whole year now.  Officially.  Sure, there have been guys I've dated more than twice.  But, no one's risen to the rank of "boyfriend."  I guess that's good.  I had to get myself put back together after my last relationship (which might have caused a slightly more dramatic girl to be "seriously committed" to a mental institution!)

It would be kind to call my last relationship dysfunctional.  Sure, we had our good days, but it was rocky at best.  At worst, I'd call it emotionally violent.  (Yeah, I know it would make more sense to use the word "abusive" there, but I'm really not sure that word is... well... enough.)

You can see why I'm hesitant to admit that there's one thing I miss about being in a relationship, even a relationship as bad as the last one I found myself in?  But, here it is.  I miss having someone to talk to about all those silly little things that happen in our daily lives.  You know, the stories that simply aren't important enough to call up a friend, but somehow still too funny to keep bottled inside?

So, here's the latest.  This happened last week, but I just haven't found anyone to listen to it yet. 

I was walking to the gym after work when I noticed a shiny new hatchback with smoke pouring out of the rear tire.  Not surprisingly, the car had a great big zipcar logo on the door.

The car looked a lot like this one.  Same color and everything!

I knocked on the window and waved my arms violently to try to let the driver know that she needed to stop driving.  There was something very clearly wrong with her rental car.  But, as she pulled up beside me, I could see very plainly that she was driving with her emergency brake on.

I tried to tell her what the problem was, but she couldn't figure out how to roll down the window to hear me.  Finally, she understood, but she couldn't figure out how to release the emergency brake.  She was looking around near her left leg. (Apparently she had never driven a car with the emergency brake on the center console? Had she only ever driven stick shifts?  Or cars made pre-1980?)

The release looked a lot like this.  Pretty normal, don't you think?  But the poor girl was perplexed.

After a couple of minutes of pantomime, I shouted at her that she really needed to focus on rolling down the window so I could help.  When she did, I literally had to reach into the car and touch the emergency brake release and show her how to use it. 

It was my good deed for the day.

Thanks for listening.

eHarmony Customer Support Might Not Understand English

Now, let's not get all political here and debate whether customer support jobs should be going across the seas to India or wherever.   I’m in full support of people around the globe being able to work jobs that are too annoying, stressful, or low-paying to be scooped up by people in this country.

But, I don't think the people I'm dealing with at eHarmony understand English.  They seem to speak it just fine.  (Or in this case, write it.)  But, the responses they're sending me have no relation whatsoever to my question.  It feels like the expert Customer Care team is picking answers at random from the eHarmony FAQ.

Here's a news flash, folks.  If I had a "Frequently Asked Question," I would have already found the "Frequently Used Answer."

So, what’s the problem?  Let’s go back a bit. 

A few months ago, I started corresponding with a guy I’m gonna call Buffy Boy.

Why’s that?  Well, in addition to all sorts of cool and self-aware profile answers that make girls like me go weak in the knees, Buffy Boy (BB for short) professed a love for all things Joss Whedon.

 Yes, I really am geeky enough to think this guy is awesome.

Let’s face it.  All Whedonites who have reasonably good personal hygiene and don’t live in their parents basement get a first date.  That’s just how I roll.

Due to a long and complicated string of events, a couple of months passed between that first promising email and our first date.  So, when I walked into that non-descript pub in a town near my home to finally meet BB, I was more than a bit excited.

And…well…not so much.  BB was cute enough, but not nearly as cute as his profile pics.  He was funny, but not as funny as his emails.  He bills himself as a super-social friendly guy, but in person he came off as a little bit awkward.  Nothing tragic, mind you.  Just nothing that really flipped my wig.

Here's a wig that's been appropriately flipped.  Sassy, ain't it?

Apparently I didn’t flip his hypothetical wig either because he sent me away with an over-rehearsed speech about how he had a great time but just didn’t feel enough of that “romantic chemistry.” And how that’s okay because he’s looking for “one in a million,” and yadda, yadda, yadda, and blah, blah, blah.

I was disappointed.  After all that anticipation how could I not be?  But, I did not disagree.  The spark just wasn’t there…

After I got home, I got another email from him through the eHarmony site, reiterating that he’d had a great time and that he wishes me luck with my search.  Really, BB?  Must you be so patronizing?  I
actually do agree with you here...

(Clearly, my issues with feeling patronized over/by this match started long before my ill-fated exchange with eHarmony Customer Care.)

Let’s face it, I don’t go on dates to make new friends.  But, it was pub trivia night at the bar during my date with Buffy Boy and between the two of us, we knew every single answer.  Since I am a pub trivia slut (I’ll play anywhere, anytime, with anyone!) I couldn’t resist the urge to suggest that if ever he wanted to kick ass on pub trivia night, he should let me know.

Almost immediately I got an email from eHarmony saying that BB had responded.  Great!  I log in, excited to say “hello” to my new trivia teammate!  But, the email has disappeared.  In fact, all my emails with Buffy Boy have disappeared. 

Now, I’m left hanging.  Do I have a new trivia teammate or not?  This guy is smart, goddammit!  I need to know if I can call on him in times of trivia crisis!

So, I fire off the first email to eHarmony Customer Care.  (See.  I promised I’d get back to the point of my story eventually.  Sometimes it just takes me a while.)

Hi folks,
Last week I got a notification of an email from one of my matches.  When I went in to read it, I discovered he had closed me.  I'd like to read this final email, but it's not showing up.  I can find the match [Buffy Boy] but the eHarmony tab is grayed out, as if we had never sent emails to each other.  I've gone back into other matches who closed me and I can still see their emails, so it's not an issue of whether I can figure out how to use the website.  I think there's been some sort of glitch.  Is there any way the email can be recovered?
Thanks,
Single Girl

In just a few hours (and in the middle of the night, supporting my foreign nation theory) I have my Patronizing Response, Exhibit #1.

Dear Single Girl,
Thank you for contacting eHarmony Customer Care.
I can certainly understand your concern regarding your match and I will be glad to assist you. Once a match has been closed, you are no longer able to communicate with or re-open the match from within your account. However, if you would like for me to investigate the possibility of re-opening communication with [Buffy Boy] for you, please reply to this email. I will then send an email to the match on your behalf, requesting permission to re-open communication. Pending a favorable reply from the match, I will then re-open communication and notify you.
We look forward to helping you find the love of your life.
Sincerely,
Michael R.

Eeek!  Wait!  No!  If I really wanted to contact this guy, I have his real email address.  And his phone number.  And his work address.  Options abound.  All I want to do is read the email he’s already sent to me.  Can this really be so hard?

Let’s try this again.

Thanks for the speedy response.
Please do NOT contact [Buffy Boy] on my behalf. I do not wish to re-open communication. I know that I cannot communicate with a match once it is closed and I am fine with that. I merely want to be able to read the last eHarmony mail your system says he sent me before he closed me.
As I explained below, your system sent me notification that [Buffy Boy] sent me an eHarmony mail before he closed me. That mail (and all our other open communication) has disappeared. I believe there has been a technical glitch, as I can still read old mail messages from other closed matches. Is there any way to recover the lost data?
Thanks,
Single Girl

This should do the trick, don't you think?  But, no.  This only results in me getting passed on to a new guy.  One who still doesn't understand my problem and feels it necessary to be super-extra-patronizing.

Dear Single Girl,
Thank you for your email.
I shall be pleased to assist you in regards to your match [Buffy Boy] and communication history with other matches. Rest assured as the request to communicate has not been sent to [Buffy Boy].
I understand how difficult it can be to be closed by a match, and we encourage you to be positive as you continue your search for that special someone. It only takes one match to be the right person and if a match has been closed, then chances are, that was not the one. We will continue to search for matches daily and while it can be a process, we hope you will agree the result of finding that one special someone is well worth the time and effort.
Further, I would suggest that you reply back to this email with the name and location of the closed matches that you are able to review the communications.
We look forward to helping you find the love of your life.
Sincerely,
Mev C.
Customer Care
eHarmony

Okay, so now you're giving me a lecture about “being positive?”  If I need help with my self esteem, I'll talk to my shrink.  I have asked you for help with a TECHNICAL problem.  Why don't you try giving your email servers a pep talk, and leave me out of it?

This is how I’d really like to respond.

Dude,
#1:  I’m the most positive person you’ll ever meet.  (Or never meet, as it’s unlikely I’ll be visiting you at the eHarmony Customer Care Center, especially if my suspicious are correct and you’re located in some foreign locale.)
#2:  Can we stop with all this “love of your life” crap?  So far you've matched me up with weirdos, perverts, and commitment-phobes  At this point, I'd be satisfied if you found me someone with opposable thumbs.
Thanks.