Thanks for the Honesty?

For all the online dating profile pictures I've dissed on this blog, there's one photo I hate above all others.

This is the icon match.com uses for users who haven't bothered to put up a photo.  And, really, there's nothing worse than spending all the time/effort to look cute, get a camera-friendly friend to snap your pic in a relaxed environment, manage not to squint, stare, look fat, or have spinach in your teeth, only to get an email from some guy who hasn't even bothered.

To be fair, the two gentlemen who are the subject of tonight's rant did not send me an email.  Match.com "matched" me with them, much to their chagrin, I'm sure.

Bachelor #1:

With this guy, honesty starts with the headline:

Just looking, literally

Really, I do appreciate the heads up.  Sadly, match does not let him stop there.  He's required to use a minimum of 200 characters before he's allowed to start his stalking adventures.  So, he writes.

Filling this out because it's required have to see where and when I reach the two hundred character minimum, probably somewhere around here. But maybe it's a little more typing than this for me to reach that minimum.

He's following the letter, if not the spirit, of the rule.  Too bad match.com's computer can't tell the difference.

Bachelor #2:

Actually, this one doesn't admit to just trying to hit the limit.  But, if you have a better explanation for the following profile, I'd love to hear it.

i like to eat cheese cake. There really is no better way to enjoy a tasty treat then to find a nice piece of cheese cake sit right down and slowly enjoy the sweetness of all the flavors. I like cherry cheese cake, cheesecake with whip cream and of course my favorite... fresh and firm cheese cake.
i like to eat cheese cake. There really is no better way to enjoy a tasty treat then to find a nice piece of cheese cake sit right down and slowly enjoy the sweetness of all the flavors. I like cherry cheese cake, cheesecake with whip cream and of course my favorite... fresh and firm cheese cake. I would like nothing more then to enjoy some cheese cake with you.

But, please, if your explanation is going to include the notion that he isn't really talking about eating cheesecake, please keep it to yourself.  I had a very lovely dinner tonight, but that doesn't mean I want to see it again.

Married too, FYI

Just the other day my one loyal follower asked me if this blog had been silent because I had found my Prince Charming.  No.  Sorry.  I know I set up the expectation that if I don't write for a while, it generally means I'm gaga over some guy.  This time, it just means that I've been very, very busy.

I've apparently also been "busy" asking people to set me up with eligible bachelors.  In fact, I've apparently developed a reputation for that sort of thing.  I don't know how this happened.  After all, it's not like I...

Exhibit A:  Threw myself a birthday party and asked everyone to bring me a single guy instead of a present.  (Sadly, I was the only girl at that party who didn't get a date.  In fact, one couple who met at said party recently got engaged.  Congrats Rob and Jen!)

Exhibit B:  Bugged my BFF and her hubby to find me a man.   After all, I introduced them to each other, isn't it about time they returned the favor?

Exhibit C:  Found myself at a charity function, talking to some very important donors, when I let slip that if they knew anyone...I was interested.

Oops.  I guess I've done all those things!  Though, to be fair, Exhibit A was nearly three years ago and Exhibit C was wine-induced.

So, here's the proof to my reputation.  A co-worker (and good friend) recently slipped me a book with the following note inside:

  

I've done a little Photoshop to maintain everyone's anonymity.  (I can't believe I spelled that correctly on the first try.  Go, me!)  Just in case you have trouble reading purple, the note says:

Hi single girl,
I met this wonderful guy at the Book Festival on Saturday and thought [he might be helpful to you in a business capacity] He's just great.  (Married too, FYI)  Thanks!

Don't these messages usually come the other way around?  Aren't friends of single woman usually trying to encourage them to meet single men, not discourage them from accidentally hitting on the married ones?

Now, in my own defense, it's possible I haven't actually developed a reputation for stalking any guy with an empty left ring finger.  Other possible explanations:

A.  She figured clarification was necessary after calling him "wonderful" and "great."
B.  His book was about overcoming disabilities.  (If I'm remembering right, he's missing both an arm and a leg.)  Having a wonderful wife is another example of how he's living a "normal" life.
C.  She didn't mean a damn thing by it.  I just have a tendency to over-interpret things.

I bet if I were to ask her tomorrow, she wouldn't even remember writing the note.  But, I'd just like take this opportunity to say to all the friends who've brought me bachelors for my birthday, slipped away to give me a chance to flirt with a guy I find cute, or resisted the urge to hit me over the head with a frying pan every time I jokingly ask them to find me a man....thanks.  I really appreciate it!

The Power of Need

So, I've decided.  There are very few things I need in this world.  I've got a roof over my head, a great job, a full fridge, and a couple of pennies left in my bank account at the end of the month.

Like many other single girls out there in the dating world, I don't need someone to take care of me, but I'd like to find love.  It's a pretty average, ordinary story.

But, recently, I've decided that I must be a freak.  Because, while I'd love to be loved, I need to be needed.  It's not something I want.  It's something I need, like my houseplants need sunlight.  Like a swimmer needs air.

I've never been the girl who looked for the flawed guy so I could try to fix him.  I've always believed in taking people for who they are, flaws and all.  When my ex-mother in law lectured me about "making" her son act more responsibly, I'd say to her, "It was your job to raise him.  It's my job to put up with him."

On my drive home tonight, I decided that I'm not such a freak after all.  Hollywood has made quite a pretty penny on the power of need.  Need an example?

Sleepless in Seattle.  It goes like this.  Meg Ryan is a cute, successful, if impossibly thick haired newspaper writer.  While listening to a radio show, she learns of the plight of Tom Hanks, a widower with a young son who can't face life without his beautiful, perfect, dead wife.

Tom Hanks is a mess.  He's doing the best he can with his kid, but he's a man walking around with a big hole in his metaphysical heart.  It's very sad.  And Meg Ryan falls in love, sight unseen.

Now, the movie tries to make you think that Meg Ryan falls in love with Tom Hanks because he's capable of such a deep love.  He remembers the way his wife peeled an apple in one long curl, and Meg Ryan does the same thing.  Clearly, in Hollywoodland, this means they're MFEA.

Meanwhile, Meg Ryan has a fiancee.  The nerdy, but still cute Bill Pullman.

Now, Bill's got some flaws.  He tells bad jokes.  He uses one of those weird sleep apnea contraptions.   He's not perfect.

But, Bill Pullman could have been Brad Pitt.  It wouldn't have mattered.  Tom Hanks and his son needed Meg Ryan.  Bill Pullman was going to pull through just fine without her.

Meg Ryan needs to be needed, too.  So, she chooses the messed-up-guy-with-a-kid over the stable-but-slightly-odd Bill Pullman.  Who could blame her?

Maybe I'm not such a freak after all?

Things that make me go, "Huh?"

So, I know how y'all love the post where tell you about all the "winners" I've found on match.com.  (Don't y'all love that word?  I recently spent some time in Dallas, and I decided that y'all is the best word, ever!)

I feel the need to write a semi-serious post tonight, but first I'll reward you for paying attention with something fun.  Here's a collection of the most mind-numbingly confusing, weird, or awkward guys I was "matched" with over the past week or so.

Example 1:  The social butterfly.

Those of you who've met me know that I'm a pretty sociable gal.  So why, oh why, would match think this guy was a good fit?  First of all, let's take a look at what he does for fun:

I enjoy being at home but willing to go out if necessary.

Yay!  As long as I can drag you out of the house occasionally (only if necessary) then we're good, right?

How about your favorite things?

I like going to different places and trying new foods

Hmm...shouldn't that read, "I like going to different places and trying new foods, as long as it doesn't require me to leave the house?"

Maybe Mr. Sociable has something really great that's keeping him at home all the time.  Like...a pet?  

 

me and my x had a wonderfull yorki name viggo hes about 6 pounds and a great dog

Okay, that rule about not talking about your ex on the first date?  It applies double for your online dating profile!  There are a few exceptions to this rule (usually where custody of children is involved) but custody of a dog does not make the cut!

 

Example #2:  The goal-setter.

i hope to meet nice people who are willing to develop sincere friendships that may develop into a romantic relationship....

Okay, so you'd like to meet nice people (plural) for sincere friendships (plural) that may develop into a romantic relationship (singular.)  Dude, I know Kody Brown has gotten guys thinking they might be able to cash in on this plural marriage thing, but I don't think match.com is a good place to find a couple girls to help you film your own episode of "Sister Wives!"

 

 

I'm sorry for that grammatical outburst.  The Goal Setter continues...

however, this is not the main goal, although it would be nice. 

 Whew.  That's a relief.

 

i believe there are alot of nice ladies, that if they gave me a try, they would be pleasantly surprised and happy with the many fine qualities i bring to a freindship.

So...wait.  Your main goal is not to meet nice people for friendships that may turn into a relationship?  What is your main goal?  To find a new tennis partner?  To find someone to help you rob a bank?  I know what y'all are thinking.  (There's that word again!  So fun!)  I must have conveniently edited his profile and removed an reference to the actual goal.  Nope.  I gave you everything.  I'm just as confused as you are.

And finally.... Example #3:  The championship speller.

ENJOY LIFE TO FULLIEST JUST BEING ME, ALWAYS OPEN TO NEW IDEA'S, ENJOY TRAVELING WHEN I CAN. LOVE TO PLAY AFTER HARDWORK, ALWAYS APPRECIATE OTHERS JUST LOVE HUMANITY ENJOYING LIFE TO THE FULLIEST, WILLING TO MAKE A SCARFICE AS WELL AS SWALLOW MY PRIDE

A few things:

a) what's with the ALL CAPS?

b) Fulliest?  Is that one level fuller than fullest?

c) You only need to put the apostrophe before the "s" when using a possessive or a contraction.  This is neither.  Think of all the ink you can save!

d) I'm glad you're enjoying life "to the fulliest" twice in your single paragraph profile.  I could have forgotten that part after reading those other two sentences.  I'm so glad you reminded me!

e) You're willing to make a scarfice?  Is that like a scar face?  Because I really prefer my faces without scars.

f)  Why, exactly, do you need to swallow your pride?  Has your pride done something that requires swallowing?

Okay, new rule.  I never, ever, ever want to see any references to the word "swallow" in an online dating profile.  Eeewwwhhh!

Winks are for Wimps

I "un-hid" my profile on match about a week ago, and I've gotten quite a bit of attention since then.  None of it is the kind of attention I want.

What I want:  a charming, successful, funny, nice, smart, cute, follically blessed man to send me a personal email that sweeps me off my feet.

What I'm getting:  winks.

I hate winks.  I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do with a wink.  If I wink back, we just get stuck in this endless wink loop.  If I write back, I come across as too aggressive.


So, last night, I changed my headline to "Winks are for Wimps."  Since then, my wink rate is picking up speed.   Here's a chart to illustrate:

Yep.  This is the best graph I could come up with.  There's a reason I'm not a statistician!

For those of you not well versed in obscure graphs, I'll do the simple math.  Before I changed my headline, I was averaging one wink every 26.3 hours.  After I changed my headline, I got three winks in eight hours.  Seriously.  Can no one follow instructions?

Other things I did not miss on match.com:

1.  Photos with Attitude (a.k.a. Putting your best chin forward.)

Seriously?  Who told you this was attractive?

These guys seem to want you to know that they're the boss.  Either that, or they're really concerned about hiding their double chins.  They all sorta remind me of someone...

In case you were wondering, this is *not* a compliment.

2.  Photos that Require Interpretation (a.k.a. Is that your house or your neighbor's?)

Okay, here's a hint.  I want to see photos of you.  Not your kitchen.  Not the house you want to own someday.  Not your dog who died 3 years ago.  Not your art project from senior year.  And not the beautiful place you went on vacation 15 years ago.  Here are some examples:

Do you own this?  Do you want to own this?  Do you want me to want you to want to own this?

Am I supposed to be impressed?  By what?  Your fantastic kitchen in your basement apartment?  The fact that there are no dirty dishes in your sink?   The fact that you clearly need an interior decorator?  What?

Dude.  If I was going to hire a nature photographer, you'd be it.  But, I'm looking for a boyfriend.  Different resume.

While we're at it, please don't post photos of your kids.  Or your friend's kids.  Or your sister's kids.  Let's just keep the children away from potential predators on internet dating sites, okay?

3.  Illiterate assholes.  (And by that, I mean, illiterate assholes.)


Today's candidate:  Svett!

Are we to take this to mean that Svett is good at something?  Clearly those medals aren't from spelling bees!

Svett wants you to know many, many things.  First:

"I like to hang out with my frined dont like to read much like going to the movies you know the clasic stuff ...."

Oh good.  That's useful information.  What else do you have for me?

"i realy dont know what to write so im just going to use the random words. "

Oh...well...at least we can praise Svett's honesty?

"actualy i a real nice guy but not looking for anything special just some fun. I would realy like to some ones buty call hehe so just call me ;)"

I had to stare at that for a good, long while before I knew what Svett is looking for.  I'll save you the trouble.  He wants to be someone's "booty call."

Now do you get the crack about the spelling bees?

Escaping the Past

Two weeks ago, I stood up in front of a group of strangers (and my boss) and told the story of the Doctor Who Bit Me.  If you remember, the Doctor was the 12th man I dated after my best friend's husband challenged me to go on dates with 20 men before I stared looking for "the one." 

The crowd was suitably amused, and my boss was suitably horrified.  I walked out of that room feeling pretty darn good, with a free t-shirt under my arm and an invitation to come back to compete again for a really cool prize.  It was awesome.

I got home and checked Facebook.  I thought I'd go ahead and RSVP to the invitation stuffing party for a charity event.  When...horror of horrors, I notice that the Doctor is also RSVPed to attend.

But, the drama doesn't end there.  #8 - Pee Boy is also on the RSVP.  I haven't thought about him for years!  (Nor have I wanted to.)

Also helping out with this charity event are #3 (The Republican) and #17 (The Man.)  Seriously.  Four men I've dated are helping out with this one charity event.

Four.

F-O-U-R.

This is not four men out of hundreds.  That would be statistically strange, but not beyond belief.  This is four men out of 20, in a city of 4.4 million people.  (The always accurate Wikipedia puts the population of Boston "proper" at just under 650,000, but since neither I, nor many of these bachelors actually live in the city, I'm using the numbers for Greater Boston.)


As far as I know, none of these four men know each other.  (I suppose that's a silver lining?)  None of them dumped me.  (Also a silver lining.)  One of the four is now a good friend, who might be willing to defend my honor should the other three get out of hand.

I'm sure when this charity event arrives in early December, I'll be able to blend into the crowd.  I'll have a glass of wine and pretend that the Doctor isn't leering at me, and that the Man isn't sad, and that Pee Boy....

Well, there's nothing to do about Pee Boy except to wish that he didn't exist.  It's bedtime now.  I'll have to explain that one later.

How are you?

I am smart, funny, successful, and relatively socially adept.  I try to be a good person who treats others with kindness and respect.  I'm a girl who could stand to lose a few pounds, but I've been told I have a fantastic smile.  That's a compliment I have no trouble believing.

I have lots of friends.  Sometimes I worry that I have more friends than I can handle.  I gossip more than I should, but I truly love all the people whose quirks drive me crazy.  I'm not an angry drunk, or a sad drunk, or a just-plain-drunk.  I pay my taxes, contribute to charities, and vote in most elections (but maybe not every primary.)

When I'm not dating anyone in particular, I have no doubt about any of the above facts.  I have my good days and my bad days, just like everyone else.  But, I know that I am worthy of the space I'm taking up on this Earth.

But, when I'm dating someone, inevitably my self-worth starts to hinge on his opinion.  I start thinking... I haven't gotten as many emails from him today, there must be something wrong.  He looks distracted at the dinner table, I wonder what I said to upset him?  When I was married, I even found myself falling into the ultimate mental drama,  I've said "I love you" before him the past 3, 5, or 10 times.  Does that mean I love him more than he loves me?  (To that last point, if you never give a guy a chance to email first, call first, or say "I love you" first, the fact that you always beat him to the punch just means that you're being an incredibly insecure person who needs to take a breath.)

As I've mentioned here before, I'm a girl who tends to dive into relationships head first.  Is it any wonder?  If I need that constant validation, that continuous upping of the ante, can I really be surprised when I find myself behind the bars of a prison of my own making?  (Or, to be slightly less drama queen-ish, if I never take the time to get to know someone slowly, before falling in love, how will I ever know if the guy I fall for is worthy of my adoration?)

So, as you might have guessed, I'm sorta kinda dating someone.  It's only "sorta kinda" because things are currently moving at an absolute snail's pace, at least for me.  We were moving quite quickly for a while there, and then he asked if he could slow things down.  At that point, I figured I had two options.  Say "yes" and see where it leads.  Or say "no" and totally push him away.  I chose to say "yes."

I think it's probably good for me, to slow down and get to know someone before giving him my heart and soul.  But, every time it takes a little longer to get an email back from him, I'm sure he's pulling farther away.  The second that email arrives in my inbox, I'm convinced I was just imagining things.  I have even started to do math (and I hate math!)  For example, last Tuesday I got seven emails from him, but they were all one liners.  Yesterday I got four, and two text messages, but they were longer.  So, do I chart the "falling off of interest" by the number of emails, or by the length of those emails?

This is stupid.  How about I not chart the "falling off of interest?"  How about I focus on my own life, on my own self-worth, and on my own hopes and dreams?  If he turns out to be a worthy (and willing) participant in that life, that's cool.  If not, that's cool too.

It's tough, especially when I'm getting emails from friends who ask how he's doing, but forget to ask about how I'm doing.  I had a big week.  I got permission to take a fun work trip and came in second place in this really cool contest, and it's only Tuesday.  But let's not talk about that.  How's the boy?

I'm just as guilty as the next girl.  When's the last time I remembered to ask you about your job before I asked you if you'd gone on any good dates lately? 

Who are you dating?  Is he cute?  What does he do?  Does he want kids?  What's better, match or eharmony?  Where would you go for a romantic getaway, Vermont or the Berkshires?

The questions go on and on.  Can it be any wonder that we begin to feel like our self worth hinges entirely on our relationship status line on Facebook?  Is it any wonder that we put the needs of the guys in our lives ahead of our own? 

So, dear friends, when we chat, let's not make him the only topic of conversation.  When you email me, considering asking me how I'm doing, before you ask how things are going with him.  You know me well enough to know that you'll hear from me if there's anything to report! 

Note:  I wrote this post nearly two weeks before I published it.  Since writing, my recently divorced Romeo has decided that he's not ready for a relationship.  Since I'm really, really ready for a relationship (I mean, really, really, really ready already!) we've decided to part ways.  But, I still think my little ephiphany has merit.  

When next we meet, if I don't ask about you before I ask about him, feel free to bonk me over the head.  Preferably with something fluffy.  It can take a little while to break old habits...