Winks are for Wimps

I "un-hid" my profile on match about a week ago, and I've gotten quite a bit of attention since then.  None of it is the kind of attention I want.

What I want:  a charming, successful, funny, nice, smart, cute, follically blessed man to send me a personal email that sweeps me off my feet.

What I'm getting:  winks.

I hate winks.  I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do with a wink.  If I wink back, we just get stuck in this endless wink loop.  If I write back, I come across as too aggressive.


So, last night, I changed my headline to "Winks are for Wimps."  Since then, my wink rate is picking up speed.   Here's a chart to illustrate:

Yep.  This is the best graph I could come up with.  There's a reason I'm not a statistician!

For those of you not well versed in obscure graphs, I'll do the simple math.  Before I changed my headline, I was averaging one wink every 26.3 hours.  After I changed my headline, I got three winks in eight hours.  Seriously.  Can no one follow instructions?

Other things I did not miss on match.com:

1.  Photos with Attitude (a.k.a. Putting your best chin forward.)

Seriously?  Who told you this was attractive?

These guys seem to want you to know that they're the boss.  Either that, or they're really concerned about hiding their double chins.  They all sorta remind me of someone...

In case you were wondering, this is *not* a compliment.

2.  Photos that Require Interpretation (a.k.a. Is that your house or your neighbor's?)

Okay, here's a hint.  I want to see photos of you.  Not your kitchen.  Not the house you want to own someday.  Not your dog who died 3 years ago.  Not your art project from senior year.  And not the beautiful place you went on vacation 15 years ago.  Here are some examples:

Do you own this?  Do you want to own this?  Do you want me to want you to want to own this?

Am I supposed to be impressed?  By what?  Your fantastic kitchen in your basement apartment?  The fact that there are no dirty dishes in your sink?   The fact that you clearly need an interior decorator?  What?

Dude.  If I was going to hire a nature photographer, you'd be it.  But, I'm looking for a boyfriend.  Different resume.

While we're at it, please don't post photos of your kids.  Or your friend's kids.  Or your sister's kids.  Let's just keep the children away from potential predators on internet dating sites, okay?

3.  Illiterate assholes.  (And by that, I mean, illiterate assholes.)


Today's candidate:  Svett!

Are we to take this to mean that Svett is good at something?  Clearly those medals aren't from spelling bees!

Svett wants you to know many, many things.  First:

"I like to hang out with my frined dont like to read much like going to the movies you know the clasic stuff ...."

Oh good.  That's useful information.  What else do you have for me?

"i realy dont know what to write so im just going to use the random words. "

Oh...well...at least we can praise Svett's honesty?

"actualy i a real nice guy but not looking for anything special just some fun. I would realy like to some ones buty call hehe so just call me ;)"

I had to stare at that for a good, long while before I knew what Svett is looking for.  I'll save you the trouble.  He wants to be someone's "booty call."

Now do you get the crack about the spelling bees?