How are you?

I am smart, funny, successful, and relatively socially adept.  I try to be a good person who treats others with kindness and respect.  I'm a girl who could stand to lose a few pounds, but I've been told I have a fantastic smile.  That's a compliment I have no trouble believing.

I have lots of friends.  Sometimes I worry that I have more friends than I can handle.  I gossip more than I should, but I truly love all the people whose quirks drive me crazy.  I'm not an angry drunk, or a sad drunk, or a just-plain-drunk.  I pay my taxes, contribute to charities, and vote in most elections (but maybe not every primary.)

When I'm not dating anyone in particular, I have no doubt about any of the above facts.  I have my good days and my bad days, just like everyone else.  But, I know that I am worthy of the space I'm taking up on this Earth.

But, when I'm dating someone, inevitably my self-worth starts to hinge on his opinion.  I start thinking... I haven't gotten as many emails from him today, there must be something wrong.  He looks distracted at the dinner table, I wonder what I said to upset him?  When I was married, I even found myself falling into the ultimate mental drama,  I've said "I love you" before him the past 3, 5, or 10 times.  Does that mean I love him more than he loves me?  (To that last point, if you never give a guy a chance to email first, call first, or say "I love you" first, the fact that you always beat him to the punch just means that you're being an incredibly insecure person who needs to take a breath.)

As I've mentioned here before, I'm a girl who tends to dive into relationships head first.  Is it any wonder?  If I need that constant validation, that continuous upping of the ante, can I really be surprised when I find myself behind the bars of a prison of my own making?  (Or, to be slightly less drama queen-ish, if I never take the time to get to know someone slowly, before falling in love, how will I ever know if the guy I fall for is worthy of my adoration?)

So, as you might have guessed, I'm sorta kinda dating someone.  It's only "sorta kinda" because things are currently moving at an absolute snail's pace, at least for me.  We were moving quite quickly for a while there, and then he asked if he could slow things down.  At that point, I figured I had two options.  Say "yes" and see where it leads.  Or say "no" and totally push him away.  I chose to say "yes."

I think it's probably good for me, to slow down and get to know someone before giving him my heart and soul.  But, every time it takes a little longer to get an email back from him, I'm sure he's pulling farther away.  The second that email arrives in my inbox, I'm convinced I was just imagining things.  I have even started to do math (and I hate math!)  For example, last Tuesday I got seven emails from him, but they were all one liners.  Yesterday I got four, and two text messages, but they were longer.  So, do I chart the "falling off of interest" by the number of emails, or by the length of those emails?

This is stupid.  How about I not chart the "falling off of interest?"  How about I focus on my own life, on my own self-worth, and on my own hopes and dreams?  If he turns out to be a worthy (and willing) participant in that life, that's cool.  If not, that's cool too.

It's tough, especially when I'm getting emails from friends who ask how he's doing, but forget to ask about how I'm doing.  I had a big week.  I got permission to take a fun work trip and came in second place in this really cool contest, and it's only Tuesday.  But let's not talk about that.  How's the boy?

I'm just as guilty as the next girl.  When's the last time I remembered to ask you about your job before I asked you if you'd gone on any good dates lately? 

Who are you dating?  Is he cute?  What does he do?  Does he want kids?  What's better, match or eharmony?  Where would you go for a romantic getaway, Vermont or the Berkshires?

The questions go on and on.  Can it be any wonder that we begin to feel like our self worth hinges entirely on our relationship status line on Facebook?  Is it any wonder that we put the needs of the guys in our lives ahead of our own? 

So, dear friends, when we chat, let's not make him the only topic of conversation.  When you email me, considering asking me how I'm doing, before you ask how things are going with him.  You know me well enough to know that you'll hear from me if there's anything to report! 

Note:  I wrote this post nearly two weeks before I published it.  Since writing, my recently divorced Romeo has decided that he's not ready for a relationship.  Since I'm really, really ready for a relationship (I mean, really, really, really ready already!) we've decided to part ways.  But, I still think my little ephiphany has merit.  

When next we meet, if I don't ask about you before I ask about him, feel free to bonk me over the head.  Preferably with something fluffy.  It can take a little while to break old habits...