How Jane Austen Ruined Me for Real Men

My evening gym experience is always so much better when something good is on TV.  Today,  I breezed my way through 3.5 miles on the treadmill while watching the last 40 minutes of Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice.  It was the Keira Knightly version, which according to the ever-useful imdb stars a dreamboat named Matthew Macfadyen as Mr. Darcy.

Whew!  The brooding eyes.  The open collar.  The mullet!

As I tried to ignore my tight right hamstring, I found myself thinking (and not for the first time) how finding love would be so much easier if I had never heard of Jane Austen.  It doesn't help that I started reading her novels as a ridiculously bookish 4th grader.  Before I even realized that boys didn't have cooties, I already had unrealistic expectations.

For me, the problem isn't that Austen's men are so charming, or so dashing, or so gorgeous.  (Though, I have developed quite a fascination with broody eyed men in frilly shirts.  I'm just saying!)

No, the problem is that Austen's men are so terribly flawed.  They're mean, judgmental, aloof, harsh, and rude.  And have I mentioned the brooding?  I'm really not a fan of actual brooding.

But, somehow, by the end, an Austen man always turns it around.  After wrongly convincing a friend to scorn your older sister, he saves your family from social ruin by forcing the man who ran away with your younger sister to marry her.

The other Mr. Darcy.  Who could resist Colin Firth after this one?

Or, he's been criticizing your every move because he's loved you for your entire life and never even knew it.

Don't worry.  The distressed look on Gwyneth's face isn't caused by the beautiful man standing behind her!

And, when you finally realize that you love him too, there's nothing left to do but to profess your eternal devotion while standing in a field of flowers, or in front of a beautiful sunset, or while getting drenched in a torrential rainstorm.

Oh, Mr. Knightly.  You're such a scamp.

In Austen's world, a rough, dark, moody, harsh military man can turn into a sweetheart who's just worried about the fate of a young woman he promised to look after.

I have never before, and will never again, think that Alan Rickman is sexy.  But, Austen-ized, he's a dreamboat.

And another rough, dark, moody, harsh military man is just trying to hide his unwavering love for you, even though you scorned him years ago and sent him off to face certain death while seeking his fortune in the military.

I recommend the 2007 version of Persuasion.  Rupert Penry-Jones as Captain Wentworth smolders like no other!

And that guy who broke your heart?  He was just being honorable.  He ripped out your soul so that he wouldn't break a promise to another woman.  An annoying, shrill, high maintenance, gold-digger of a woman.  But, still, his promise to her is oh-so-much more important than your puny little heart.

Even Hugh Grant looks good...not at all like the kind of guy who'd get caught with a transvestite prostitute.

As you probably have noticed by now, when it comes to Jane Austen's men, I've read them all, watched them all, and even dreamed of them all.  Sadly, when I find a man who's rude, brooding, harsh, moody, or even overly critical, I don't run.  Instead, like a heroine in a Jane Austen novel, I wait for him to turn it all around.

Sometimes I wait a very long time.  12 years is my current record.  And, you know what?  They never do turn it around.  Rude, brooding, harsh, moody and overly critical men are exactly what they appear to be...even if they agree to wear a frilly shirt for Halloween.

(True story.  I got my ex-husband to wear one once.  It didn't change who he was inside.)

But, you know what?  Relying on Jane Austen to teach you about love is like allowing a kid who's played that "Operation" board game to actually operate on you.  Jane Austen died alone.  By most accounts, she never found love.  Sure, if you watched that "Becoming Jane" movie, you might think Austen was a pretty, Anne Hathaway type who had a passionate love affair with James McAvoy.  But, that's a movie, people.  There might be bits of it that are true, but it's no less than 90% Hollywood.

If you're gonna have just one passionate love affair before dying alone, James McAvoy is a mighty fine choice!

So, tonight, I pledge to dream about sheep.  Or rainbows.  Or aliens coming down to take over the earth.  Really, anything but an Austen man.  Because, well, I deserve so much better than Austen has to offer.