So, so hot. But, really. Did you see him try to do Shakespeare in Much Ado about Nothing? Clearly not very smart.No, I'm talking about that mythical creature, my one and only soul mate, the guy I will meet, develop an almost instant attraction to, fall in love with, marry, raise a couple kids with, and die together somewhere in our late 90s, still blissfully in love, holding hands and staring off into the sunset.
Okay, maybe nobody really expects all that, but this friend and I were talking about The One because a mutual friend is going through a break-up. She had really hoped this guy would be The One, and now it looks like he won't be, and she's sad. And we feel sad for her.
So, I'm realizing, I used to believe in The One. I used to hold onto relationships long past their expiration date, because I was convinced that moving on would be throwing away my one and only chance at happiness. After all, if I only have one One out there, and I give up too easily, will I die alone? That doesn't sound like much fun.
(In fairness, I need to point out that I still held this belief in the not-so-distant past. Less than a year ago I was stubbornly sticking it out in the worst relationship of my life because I had convinced myself that this guy was truly The One.)
I know that people believe in The One because it gives them hope. If I know there's someone out there for me, all I have to do is keep looking. I'll find him. (Or he'll find me.) And we'll both get our Happily Ever Afters.
But, what has my belief in The One gotten me? The three worst relationships of my life. Let's recap.
The First One: College. That should tell you something. He was my first real relationship, and I fell hard. We said things to each other like, "I will always love you" and "You're the most important person who will ever be in my life." I didn't really believe these things, but I said them because he said them, and I thought he was The One. We broke up when I started asking him why he was spending so much time with his best friend's girlfriend. Later, I discovered that not only was he sleeping with her, but he also cheated on me with five more women (most of whom were my "friends") and (though this was never confirmed) one man. He's currently married to my former best friend.
The Wedded One: He would have been a really good friend. Unfortunately, I married him. We had completely different views on responsibility, money, hard work, kids and monogamy. On that last issue: I required it, and he hated me for it. On the second to last issue: He refused, and I hated him for it. I spent 12 years trying to compromise on issues for which there is no compromise because I thought he was The One. I should have broken it off after six months.
The Evil One: He refused to let me see my friends, was jealous of the one week a year I spend with my family, was controlling, paranoid, manipulative, and mean. He'd trick me into telling him things, then he'd keep me up all night yelling at me for something he thought I'd lied about. I let him get away with it, because sometimes he really was nice, and I was sure that nice person was The One. It took me a year and a half to realize that the nice person was an illusion.
So, I don't believe in The One anymore. I just don't. I absolutely still believe that I'll find someone. I will fall in love. I'll probably even get married and have kids. But, that person won't be the only person in the world for me.
The fact is, the world is a really big place. There are more than 6 1/2 billion people on this planet, over a billion in China alone. There might be thousands of true loves out there waiting for me. Gosh, maybe even millions, if I'm willing to learn Chinese!
It's all luck and timing. I could meet someone tomorrow, and he could be perfect for me. If I had met him a week earlier, he might have been all wrong. We're all in constant flux. We change. They change. The world changes. If it fizzles out with one potential true love, it's time to pick myself up, fix whatever's wrong with me (and believe me, there's plenty to fix) and start looking for the next.
And when I find whatever happens to be my last relationship, he won't be The One. We won't be together because of fate. We'll be together because together is where we both choose to be.
He will love me every bit as much as I love him. We will be happy. We will have struggles. We will both look out for the other's needs, while also looking out for ourselves. We will not be everything to each other, but we will be all that we're needed to be.
He won't be The One. He'll be better than that.
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