Beginnings...

Anyone who's ever taken a writing class knows that beginnings are important.  The first paragraph of a term paper should set up the thesis.  The opening scene of a movie needs to grab the viewer's attention.  And the first sentence of an online dating profile should, at the very least, make me want to read the second sentence.

You'd be surprised how often that doesn't quite happen...

So, first...to all the guys who start their profiles with some version of "I can't believe I'm doing this" or "it's really hard to describe yourself in a few words"--get over it.  We ALL can't believe we're doing this, and we ALL have no idea how to describe ourselves in a few words.

Let's take a closer look at a few of the very special guys who checked out my profile after my latest re-design.  (By the way, the new haircut photo is still getting a lot of attention.  Who knew?  From now on, all my profile pics will be taken immediately after a professional styles my hair!)

Lesson #1:
Listen to the advice of others.  This is not a post about photos, but this one requires a visual aid.



OK, so I showed my coworker my match profile and she said, "Let me see your photo, make it bigger." I clicked on it and she said, "Oh my Jesus, you look like a freakin' psycho!". Who knew? 

Dude.  Yours is the creepiest photo I've ever seen.   Listen to your friend!  Besides, according to your profile, you're a professional photographer?  This photo makes me question your skills...and your judgment. 

Lesson #2:
Phrases like "white male" should be reserved for police reports and scientific studies.

I am a white male in good shape who acts younger than my age who's looking for a partner that is out going and even tempered.

 Also, noun/verb agreement is important. 

Lesson #3:
Save the fine print for later.



Professional male seeking confident or semi confident woman who knows how to enjoy quality of life. Please no sugar babies looking for sugar daddy to provide happiness and success.

Really?  This happens to you all the time?  You feel like you need to start your profile with this caveat?  I know a lot of women who are/have been/will someday be on match.com, and none of them are looking for a "sugar daddy."

Lesson #4:
Get a proof-reader.

i would like to take her out to eat … 
i'm looking for a serrious relationship,possibley more. no games. ready to settle down,someday have kids. family oreanted man i am.



Typos happen.  There are dozens of them in this blog.  But, try not to sound like Popeye when you write, don't ignore the little red lines that tell you something is misspelled, and make an attempt at punctuation.  At least hit the "shift" key every once in a while!

Lesson #5
If you feel compelled to start with a joke, make sure it's a funny one.

They say a man should always dress for the job he wants...so why am I dressed up like a pirate in this restaurant?

This guy is wearing a business suit in every single picture, and his joke sounds like it's straight from "Public Speaking for Dummies."

Lesson #6:
Try not to clue potential dates into the reason why you're still single.

I like a woman who is secure and can give and take a joke without getting offended or taking everything personal. 

So, you've had a lot of girls walk out on you after you say something stupid, eh?

Lesson #7:
If you're gonna claim to be something, try to make it believable.

I, am a writer at heart. 

One question for ya, Mr. Writer.  What's that comma for?



Lesson #8:
Cut out the business talk.

I work hard in the tech area, dry type of job working with intangibles which triggers the need for more soft and enjoyable activities to make the balance. 

This is a pet peeve of mine.  If something is actually intangible, you can't work with it.  It's just not possible.  Beyond that, what exactly are "soft" activities?  Pillow fights with extra fluffy pillows?  Bouncing around in the ball pit at Chuck E. Cheese?

Lesson #9:
Don't start with a bunch of things I already know:

im 5"9 brown hair and brown eyes ..38 years old have two children.

Yep.  That's all listed in your profile.  Anything else you'd like to share?

Lesson  #10:
Avoid yelling.



PLEASE READ THE WHOLE PROFILE.....

Seriously, dude?  Demanding already?  You haven't even met me.  I can't deal.

Prettying up the Profile/Meet Jose

As of this week, I've officially been on match.com for six months.  For some, that might feel like utter failure, but I'm thinking it's not such a bad deal.  I signed up for the six month guarantee, and unlike the other thousands of people who fall for that trap, I actually met all the requirements to redeem it.  So, it's a free six months for me.  Whooo Hoooo!

One thing you learn from being on match.com from six months, the best way to get the computer to put you high in the search results is to update your profile.  So, this week I went for a complete overhaul.  I got a new haircut, had a friend take a new profile pic, and uploaded away.

Unfortunately, my new pic was so pretty, the computer didn't believe it was me!  It was approved as an "additional photo only" because some fancy software tagged it as a photo in which the subscriber did not appear. 

Two moderately annoying email exchanges with match.com customer support later, I finally have myself a new profile pic.  (Seriously, why on earth should that have taken TWO different customer service reps to get fixed?)  I also changed a few paragraphs here and there, with an eye towards brevity.  As you might have noticed, I tend to be a bit verbose.

All of this results in a whole flurry of new views.  Guys are looking at my profile left and right!  Most of them are only looking, not writing.  But hey...you gotta start somewhere!

Apparently, I'm starting with Jose.

Wow, Jose.  Where do I begin with all the things that are wrong with this picture?

Beyond wanting to show me his keen eye for interior decoration, (I particularly adore the way he hung the US map askew.  Very edgy.)  Jose also wants me to know that he owns horses and enjoys "travel yam sport."  The last book he read was apparently called "any." 

Jose also claims to be "slender."  Don't get me wrong, slender guys kinda creep me out.  The mere idea that a guy might weigh less than me sends me into nervous fits.  So, I'm not judging Jose's body type to be wrong in any way.  All I'm saying is, judge for yourself, but Jose is either wearing a shirt three sizes too big, or he's not "slender."

I actually think Jose might be a nice guy.  There was something sweet about his little email to me.  (Maybe it was the fact that he called me sweety?) 

English is clearly not Jose's first language, and that's fine.  But, whatever language Jose first learned to speak probably included some sort of punctuation.  It likely used capitalization as well. 

Jose's profile?  Well...not so much.

i would love to get involved activites any time of year i love life and every thing that como withit enjoy having good around me you only live once i liike to going for dinner i would like to have girl very personality family loveing good future and love for ever some times we forget about how lucky are to be here i looking for good girl i not looking for jump thank for reading my profile

Huh?

The silly things I miss...

So, I'm calling myself the "Single Girl" on this blog, but the truth is most of my adult life I've been in what match.com likes to call "serious committed relationships."  The last time I was actually single, my girlfriends liked to joke that I was the girl who "doesn't stay single for long."

I've been single for a whole year now.  Officially.  Sure, there have been guys I've dated more than twice.  But, no one's risen to the rank of "boyfriend."  I guess that's good.  I had to get myself put back together after my last relationship (which might have caused a slightly more dramatic girl to be "seriously committed" to a mental institution!)

It would be kind to call my last relationship dysfunctional.  Sure, we had our good days, but it was rocky at best.  At worst, I'd call it emotionally violent.  (Yeah, I know it would make more sense to use the word "abusive" there, but I'm really not sure that word is... well... enough.)

You can see why I'm hesitant to admit that there's one thing I miss about being in a relationship, even a relationship as bad as the last one I found myself in?  But, here it is.  I miss having someone to talk to about all those silly little things that happen in our daily lives.  You know, the stories that simply aren't important enough to call up a friend, but somehow still too funny to keep bottled inside?

So, here's the latest.  This happened last week, but I just haven't found anyone to listen to it yet. 

I was walking to the gym after work when I noticed a shiny new hatchback with smoke pouring out of the rear tire.  Not surprisingly, the car had a great big zipcar logo on the door.

The car looked a lot like this one.  Same color and everything!

I knocked on the window and waved my arms violently to try to let the driver know that she needed to stop driving.  There was something very clearly wrong with her rental car.  But, as she pulled up beside me, I could see very plainly that she was driving with her emergency brake on.

I tried to tell her what the problem was, but she couldn't figure out how to roll down the window to hear me.  Finally, she understood, but she couldn't figure out how to release the emergency brake.  She was looking around near her left leg. (Apparently she had never driven a car with the emergency brake on the center console? Had she only ever driven stick shifts?  Or cars made pre-1980?)

The release looked a lot like this.  Pretty normal, don't you think?  But the poor girl was perplexed.

After a couple of minutes of pantomime, I shouted at her that she really needed to focus on rolling down the window so I could help.  When she did, I literally had to reach into the car and touch the emergency brake release and show her how to use it. 

It was my good deed for the day.

Thanks for listening.

eHarmony Customer Support Might Not Understand English

Now, let's not get all political here and debate whether customer support jobs should be going across the seas to India or wherever.   I’m in full support of people around the globe being able to work jobs that are too annoying, stressful, or low-paying to be scooped up by people in this country.

But, I don't think the people I'm dealing with at eHarmony understand English.  They seem to speak it just fine.  (Or in this case, write it.)  But, the responses they're sending me have no relation whatsoever to my question.  It feels like the expert Customer Care team is picking answers at random from the eHarmony FAQ.

Here's a news flash, folks.  If I had a "Frequently Asked Question," I would have already found the "Frequently Used Answer."

So, what’s the problem?  Let’s go back a bit. 

A few months ago, I started corresponding with a guy I’m gonna call Buffy Boy.

Why’s that?  Well, in addition to all sorts of cool and self-aware profile answers that make girls like me go weak in the knees, Buffy Boy (BB for short) professed a love for all things Joss Whedon.

 Yes, I really am geeky enough to think this guy is awesome.

Let’s face it.  All Whedonites who have reasonably good personal hygiene and don’t live in their parents basement get a first date.  That’s just how I roll.

Due to a long and complicated string of events, a couple of months passed between that first promising email and our first date.  So, when I walked into that non-descript pub in a town near my home to finally meet BB, I was more than a bit excited.

And…well…not so much.  BB was cute enough, but not nearly as cute as his profile pics.  He was funny, but not as funny as his emails.  He bills himself as a super-social friendly guy, but in person he came off as a little bit awkward.  Nothing tragic, mind you.  Just nothing that really flipped my wig.

Here's a wig that's been appropriately flipped.  Sassy, ain't it?

Apparently I didn’t flip his hypothetical wig either because he sent me away with an over-rehearsed speech about how he had a great time but just didn’t feel enough of that “romantic chemistry.” And how that’s okay because he’s looking for “one in a million,” and yadda, yadda, yadda, and blah, blah, blah.

I was disappointed.  After all that anticipation how could I not be?  But, I did not disagree.  The spark just wasn’t there…

After I got home, I got another email from him through the eHarmony site, reiterating that he’d had a great time and that he wishes me luck with my search.  Really, BB?  Must you be so patronizing?  I
actually do agree with you here...

(Clearly, my issues with feeling patronized over/by this match started long before my ill-fated exchange with eHarmony Customer Care.)

Let’s face it, I don’t go on dates to make new friends.  But, it was pub trivia night at the bar during my date with Buffy Boy and between the two of us, we knew every single answer.  Since I am a pub trivia slut (I’ll play anywhere, anytime, with anyone!) I couldn’t resist the urge to suggest that if ever he wanted to kick ass on pub trivia night, he should let me know.

Almost immediately I got an email from eHarmony saying that BB had responded.  Great!  I log in, excited to say “hello” to my new trivia teammate!  But, the email has disappeared.  In fact, all my emails with Buffy Boy have disappeared. 

Now, I’m left hanging.  Do I have a new trivia teammate or not?  This guy is smart, goddammit!  I need to know if I can call on him in times of trivia crisis!

So, I fire off the first email to eHarmony Customer Care.  (See.  I promised I’d get back to the point of my story eventually.  Sometimes it just takes me a while.)

Hi folks,
Last week I got a notification of an email from one of my matches.  When I went in to read it, I discovered he had closed me.  I'd like to read this final email, but it's not showing up.  I can find the match [Buffy Boy] but the eHarmony tab is grayed out, as if we had never sent emails to each other.  I've gone back into other matches who closed me and I can still see their emails, so it's not an issue of whether I can figure out how to use the website.  I think there's been some sort of glitch.  Is there any way the email can be recovered?
Thanks,
Single Girl

In just a few hours (and in the middle of the night, supporting my foreign nation theory) I have my Patronizing Response, Exhibit #1.

Dear Single Girl,
Thank you for contacting eHarmony Customer Care.
I can certainly understand your concern regarding your match and I will be glad to assist you. Once a match has been closed, you are no longer able to communicate with or re-open the match from within your account. However, if you would like for me to investigate the possibility of re-opening communication with [Buffy Boy] for you, please reply to this email. I will then send an email to the match on your behalf, requesting permission to re-open communication. Pending a favorable reply from the match, I will then re-open communication and notify you.
We look forward to helping you find the love of your life.
Sincerely,
Michael R.

Eeek!  Wait!  No!  If I really wanted to contact this guy, I have his real email address.  And his phone number.  And his work address.  Options abound.  All I want to do is read the email he’s already sent to me.  Can this really be so hard?

Let’s try this again.

Thanks for the speedy response.
Please do NOT contact [Buffy Boy] on my behalf. I do not wish to re-open communication. I know that I cannot communicate with a match once it is closed and I am fine with that. I merely want to be able to read the last eHarmony mail your system says he sent me before he closed me.
As I explained below, your system sent me notification that [Buffy Boy] sent me an eHarmony mail before he closed me. That mail (and all our other open communication) has disappeared. I believe there has been a technical glitch, as I can still read old mail messages from other closed matches. Is there any way to recover the lost data?
Thanks,
Single Girl

This should do the trick, don't you think?  But, no.  This only results in me getting passed on to a new guy.  One who still doesn't understand my problem and feels it necessary to be super-extra-patronizing.

Dear Single Girl,
Thank you for your email.
I shall be pleased to assist you in regards to your match [Buffy Boy] and communication history with other matches. Rest assured as the request to communicate has not been sent to [Buffy Boy].
I understand how difficult it can be to be closed by a match, and we encourage you to be positive as you continue your search for that special someone. It only takes one match to be the right person and if a match has been closed, then chances are, that was not the one. We will continue to search for matches daily and while it can be a process, we hope you will agree the result of finding that one special someone is well worth the time and effort.
Further, I would suggest that you reply back to this email with the name and location of the closed matches that you are able to review the communications.
We look forward to helping you find the love of your life.
Sincerely,
Mev C.
Customer Care
eHarmony

Okay, so now you're giving me a lecture about “being positive?”  If I need help with my self esteem, I'll talk to my shrink.  I have asked you for help with a TECHNICAL problem.  Why don't you try giving your email servers a pep talk, and leave me out of it?

This is how I’d really like to respond.

Dude,
#1:  I’m the most positive person you’ll ever meet.  (Or never meet, as it’s unlikely I’ll be visiting you at the eHarmony Customer Care Center, especially if my suspicious are correct and you’re located in some foreign locale.)
#2:  Can we stop with all this “love of your life” crap?  So far you've matched me up with weirdos, perverts, and commitment-phobes  At this point, I'd be satisfied if you found me someone with opposable thumbs.
Thanks.

Single People in their 30s and 40s are Weird

Yeah, I know what I just said.  I said single people in their 30s and 40s are weird. 

I'm single and in my thirties...approaching 40.  I am in this category of "weird" people.  I get it.  But, I spent the evening at a singles event and there were plenty of single twenty, thirty, and forty somethings there. (Where do the single people over 40 go? It must be tough. I should quit my whining.)

Anyway at this event there were plenty of seemingly normal twenty somethings. They had jobs. Apartments. Roommates. Varied interests. And somewhat moldable personalities.

We thirty and forty somethings were missing some of those vital pieces of normalcy.  Sure we had jobs.  And a place to live.  But most of us had ditched the roommates...and out with the roomies went the varied interests and moldable personalities.

Sure, you gotta grow up sometime. You can't reman a soft ball of clay forever. But somewhere along the way have we lost the abilty to bend without breaking?  Have we lost the ability to follow a different dream every night of the week?  Or try new things?  Or start over?

I met a lot of lovely people tonight but many of them were just a little weird. They had become singularly focused...locked in on the one or two things that define them. The environmentalist's life was entirely focused on that one thing.  It's not that I disagreed.  He's probably right.  But I can't imagine living every day, scared to turn on the a/c in my car because I wanted to make sure my gas mileage doesn't dip below 55 mpg.

Similarly other 30-40 year olds were defined by a love of travel.  Or a job.  Lovely people, all, but it's hard to imagine myself meshing with any of them.

That's just it...isn't it?  I'm every bit as weird as they are.  I am defined by my love of swing dancing, geeky television shows, and the pursuit of an increasingly large cadre of friends...even though I sometimes find myself without time for the ones I've already got.  What one person will ever be willing to join me in all those obsessions?

I am a 30-40 year old, and I am weird.

So, it's not that I'm looking for someone's who's not weird.  I'm looking for someone whose weirdness I can tolerate.  And, even though I met some truly lovely people tonight, none of them fit the bill.

Oh...and The Doctor Who Bit Me was there and I got pilled into a prolonged conversation with him.  Ugh.  'Nuff said.

Fifth time's the charm?

Meet Harry.

Harry likes me. He really, really likes me. How do I know this? Well, three years ago, when I first joined match.com, Harry sent me the following message.

Hi there,

You have a very charming profile. I am intrigued! Please take a look at mine and let me know if there is any interest. A profile, as such, is just that: a profile! It does not and can not even come close to conveying the true essence of me as a person.

However, I hope you like what you read/see (either or both)! I look forward to your positive response ...


Best,


- Harry

Then, when I joined again in March of this year, Harry sent me THIS message.

Hi there,


You have a very charming profile. I am intrigued! Please take a look at mine and let me know if there is any interest. A profile, as such, is just that: a profile! It does not and can not even come close to conveying the true essence of me as a person.


However, I hope you like what you read/see (either or both)! I look forward to your positive response ...


Best,


- Harry

And again in April, he sent me this...

Hi there,


You have a very charming profile. I am intrigued! Please take a look at mine and let me know if there is any interest. A profile, as such, is just that: a profile! It does not and can not even come close to conveying the true essence of me as a person.


However, I hope you like what you read/see (either or both)! I look forward to your positive response ...


Best,


- Harry

In May, when I changed my main profile photo, I received it again.

Hi there,


You have a very charming profile. I am intrigued! Please take a look at mine and let me know if there is any interest. A profile, as such, is just that: a profile! It does not and can not even come close to conveying the true essence of me as a person.


However, I hope you like what you read/see (either or both)! I look forward to your positive response ...


Best,


- Harry

And, just today, after changing my profile photo again, I got it...AGAIN.

Hi there,


You have a very charming profile. I am intrigued! Please take a look at mine and let me know if there is any interest. A profile, as such, is just that: a profile! It does not and can not even come close to conveying the true essence of me as a person.


However, I hope you like what you read/see (either or both)! I look forward to your positive response ...


Best,


- Harry

Now, if I get an obvious form letter from a guy I'm actually interested in, I'll respond. (To be honest, I'm not sure this theory has ever been tested. I think the kind of guy who's gonna hold my interest is generally going to send a personalized response.)


I understand that some guys just aren't word smiths. That's fine. Words are my thing. I don't actually need to end up with someone who's comfortable stringing compound sentences together. I'd much rather end up with someone who's adept at minor car repairs or good at remembering to pay bills on time. (Don't worry. I always get the bills paid. Just not necessarily on time!)


But, Harry, at least according to his profile, is capable of using the English language. After all, Harry has (and I'm quoting,)

Three grad degrees in different but highly relevant areas - two from an Ivy League school and one from a Big Ten program.

 In fact, Harry doesn't have the slightest problem with words. He even quotes Shakespeare and the Sound of Music! (Though, in the interest of not losing my three dedicated readers, I'll spare you the Julie Andrews reference.)

Like Shakespeare said, "If music be the food of love, play on"... after all, love is nothing but friendship set to music :-)!! For starters, I am a tall, athletic, decent looking, well educated, financially secure, professional with an active lifestyle and a great sense of humor. I am in search of my soulmate! A sweet, pretty, feminine lady with a bright personality and a quick wit is *all* (!!) that I ask for!

(I have to mention here that Harry's overuse of the exclamation point has made me re-evaluate that pesky piece of punctuation in my own writing. I promise. I'll try to use it more sparingly in the future.)


I decided, for my good deed of the day, I'd write to Harry and let him know that receiving the same form letter five times does not make a girl feel special. I tried to be nice. After all, Harry might not be my type, but he seems like a nice enough fella. If the only thing separating him from finding his true soulmate and living a happy life is an unnecessary reliance on form letter emails, it would be remiss of me not to point it out.


Besides, match.com said I needed to send two more emails this billing cycle in order to redeem my six months free guarantee. The rules don't stipulate that I actually have to be interested in the people who receive those emails!


So, this is what I sent. The goal was to offer a little constructive criticism, without making him think he should use this new-found strategy on me. How did I do?

Harry,


You've sent this exact message to me four times since March. And I'm pretty sure when I was on match 3 years ago, you sent the same exact message then, too.


I'm not interested, but maybe you'd like some friendly advice? Women are much more likely to respond to you if they feel like you've at least made the effort to write something personal. Maybe in the email you could reference something specific that you found charming about their profile? Then they know that you think they're special, and not just one of dozens of girls you email every day.


Good luck!