eHarmony Customer Support Might Not Understand English

Now, let's not get all political here and debate whether customer support jobs should be going across the seas to India or wherever.   I’m in full support of people around the globe being able to work jobs that are too annoying, stressful, or low-paying to be scooped up by people in this country.

But, I don't think the people I'm dealing with at eHarmony understand English.  They seem to speak it just fine.  (Or in this case, write it.)  But, the responses they're sending me have no relation whatsoever to my question.  It feels like the expert Customer Care team is picking answers at random from the eHarmony FAQ.

Here's a news flash, folks.  If I had a "Frequently Asked Question," I would have already found the "Frequently Used Answer."

So, what’s the problem?  Let’s go back a bit. 

A few months ago, I started corresponding with a guy I’m gonna call Buffy Boy.

Why’s that?  Well, in addition to all sorts of cool and self-aware profile answers that make girls like me go weak in the knees, Buffy Boy (BB for short) professed a love for all things Joss Whedon.

 Yes, I really am geeky enough to think this guy is awesome.

Let’s face it.  All Whedonites who have reasonably good personal hygiene and don’t live in their parents basement get a first date.  That’s just how I roll.

Due to a long and complicated string of events, a couple of months passed between that first promising email and our first date.  So, when I walked into that non-descript pub in a town near my home to finally meet BB, I was more than a bit excited.

And…well…not so much.  BB was cute enough, but not nearly as cute as his profile pics.  He was funny, but not as funny as his emails.  He bills himself as a super-social friendly guy, but in person he came off as a little bit awkward.  Nothing tragic, mind you.  Just nothing that really flipped my wig.

Here's a wig that's been appropriately flipped.  Sassy, ain't it?

Apparently I didn’t flip his hypothetical wig either because he sent me away with an over-rehearsed speech about how he had a great time but just didn’t feel enough of that “romantic chemistry.” And how that’s okay because he’s looking for “one in a million,” and yadda, yadda, yadda, and blah, blah, blah.

I was disappointed.  After all that anticipation how could I not be?  But, I did not disagree.  The spark just wasn’t there…

After I got home, I got another email from him through the eHarmony site, reiterating that he’d had a great time and that he wishes me luck with my search.  Really, BB?  Must you be so patronizing?  I
actually do agree with you here...

(Clearly, my issues with feeling patronized over/by this match started long before my ill-fated exchange with eHarmony Customer Care.)

Let’s face it, I don’t go on dates to make new friends.  But, it was pub trivia night at the bar during my date with Buffy Boy and between the two of us, we knew every single answer.  Since I am a pub trivia slut (I’ll play anywhere, anytime, with anyone!) I couldn’t resist the urge to suggest that if ever he wanted to kick ass on pub trivia night, he should let me know.

Almost immediately I got an email from eHarmony saying that BB had responded.  Great!  I log in, excited to say “hello” to my new trivia teammate!  But, the email has disappeared.  In fact, all my emails with Buffy Boy have disappeared. 

Now, I’m left hanging.  Do I have a new trivia teammate or not?  This guy is smart, goddammit!  I need to know if I can call on him in times of trivia crisis!

So, I fire off the first email to eHarmony Customer Care.  (See.  I promised I’d get back to the point of my story eventually.  Sometimes it just takes me a while.)

Hi folks,
Last week I got a notification of an email from one of my matches.  When I went in to read it, I discovered he had closed me.  I'd like to read this final email, but it's not showing up.  I can find the match [Buffy Boy] but the eHarmony tab is grayed out, as if we had never sent emails to each other.  I've gone back into other matches who closed me and I can still see their emails, so it's not an issue of whether I can figure out how to use the website.  I think there's been some sort of glitch.  Is there any way the email can be recovered?
Thanks,
Single Girl

In just a few hours (and in the middle of the night, supporting my foreign nation theory) I have my Patronizing Response, Exhibit #1.

Dear Single Girl,
Thank you for contacting eHarmony Customer Care.
I can certainly understand your concern regarding your match and I will be glad to assist you. Once a match has been closed, you are no longer able to communicate with or re-open the match from within your account. However, if you would like for me to investigate the possibility of re-opening communication with [Buffy Boy] for you, please reply to this email. I will then send an email to the match on your behalf, requesting permission to re-open communication. Pending a favorable reply from the match, I will then re-open communication and notify you.
We look forward to helping you find the love of your life.
Sincerely,
Michael R.

Eeek!  Wait!  No!  If I really wanted to contact this guy, I have his real email address.  And his phone number.  And his work address.  Options abound.  All I want to do is read the email he’s already sent to me.  Can this really be so hard?

Let’s try this again.

Thanks for the speedy response.
Please do NOT contact [Buffy Boy] on my behalf. I do not wish to re-open communication. I know that I cannot communicate with a match once it is closed and I am fine with that. I merely want to be able to read the last eHarmony mail your system says he sent me before he closed me.
As I explained below, your system sent me notification that [Buffy Boy] sent me an eHarmony mail before he closed me. That mail (and all our other open communication) has disappeared. I believe there has been a technical glitch, as I can still read old mail messages from other closed matches. Is there any way to recover the lost data?
Thanks,
Single Girl

This should do the trick, don't you think?  But, no.  This only results in me getting passed on to a new guy.  One who still doesn't understand my problem and feels it necessary to be super-extra-patronizing.

Dear Single Girl,
Thank you for your email.
I shall be pleased to assist you in regards to your match [Buffy Boy] and communication history with other matches. Rest assured as the request to communicate has not been sent to [Buffy Boy].
I understand how difficult it can be to be closed by a match, and we encourage you to be positive as you continue your search for that special someone. It only takes one match to be the right person and if a match has been closed, then chances are, that was not the one. We will continue to search for matches daily and while it can be a process, we hope you will agree the result of finding that one special someone is well worth the time and effort.
Further, I would suggest that you reply back to this email with the name and location of the closed matches that you are able to review the communications.
We look forward to helping you find the love of your life.
Sincerely,
Mev C.
Customer Care
eHarmony

Okay, so now you're giving me a lecture about “being positive?”  If I need help with my self esteem, I'll talk to my shrink.  I have asked you for help with a TECHNICAL problem.  Why don't you try giving your email servers a pep talk, and leave me out of it?

This is how I’d really like to respond.

Dude,
#1:  I’m the most positive person you’ll ever meet.  (Or never meet, as it’s unlikely I’ll be visiting you at the eHarmony Customer Care Center, especially if my suspicious are correct and you’re located in some foreign locale.)
#2:  Can we stop with all this “love of your life” crap?  So far you've matched me up with weirdos, perverts, and commitment-phobes  At this point, I'd be satisfied if you found me someone with opposable thumbs.
Thanks.