Thanks for the Honesty?

For all the online dating profile pictures I've dissed on this blog, there's one photo I hate above all others.

This is the icon match.com uses for users who haven't bothered to put up a photo.  And, really, there's nothing worse than spending all the time/effort to look cute, get a camera-friendly friend to snap your pic in a relaxed environment, manage not to squint, stare, look fat, or have spinach in your teeth, only to get an email from some guy who hasn't even bothered.

To be fair, the two gentlemen who are the subject of tonight's rant did not send me an email.  Match.com "matched" me with them, much to their chagrin, I'm sure.

Bachelor #1:

With this guy, honesty starts with the headline:

Just looking, literally

Really, I do appreciate the heads up.  Sadly, match does not let him stop there.  He's required to use a minimum of 200 characters before he's allowed to start his stalking adventures.  So, he writes.

Filling this out because it's required have to see where and when I reach the two hundred character minimum, probably somewhere around here. But maybe it's a little more typing than this for me to reach that minimum.

He's following the letter, if not the spirit, of the rule.  Too bad match.com's computer can't tell the difference.

Bachelor #2:

Actually, this one doesn't admit to just trying to hit the limit.  But, if you have a better explanation for the following profile, I'd love to hear it.

i like to eat cheese cake. There really is no better way to enjoy a tasty treat then to find a nice piece of cheese cake sit right down and slowly enjoy the sweetness of all the flavors. I like cherry cheese cake, cheesecake with whip cream and of course my favorite... fresh and firm cheese cake.
i like to eat cheese cake. There really is no better way to enjoy a tasty treat then to find a nice piece of cheese cake sit right down and slowly enjoy the sweetness of all the flavors. I like cherry cheese cake, cheesecake with whip cream and of course my favorite... fresh and firm cheese cake. I would like nothing more then to enjoy some cheese cake with you.

But, please, if your explanation is going to include the notion that he isn't really talking about eating cheesecake, please keep it to yourself.  I had a very lovely dinner tonight, but that doesn't mean I want to see it again.

Married too, FYI

Just the other day my one loyal follower asked me if this blog had been silent because I had found my Prince Charming.  No.  Sorry.  I know I set up the expectation that if I don't write for a while, it generally means I'm gaga over some guy.  This time, it just means that I've been very, very busy.

I've apparently also been "busy" asking people to set me up with eligible bachelors.  In fact, I've apparently developed a reputation for that sort of thing.  I don't know how this happened.  After all, it's not like I...

Exhibit A:  Threw myself a birthday party and asked everyone to bring me a single guy instead of a present.  (Sadly, I was the only girl at that party who didn't get a date.  In fact, one couple who met at said party recently got engaged.  Congrats Rob and Jen!)

Exhibit B:  Bugged my BFF and her hubby to find me a man.   After all, I introduced them to each other, isn't it about time they returned the favor?

Exhibit C:  Found myself at a charity function, talking to some very important donors, when I let slip that if they knew anyone...I was interested.

Oops.  I guess I've done all those things!  Though, to be fair, Exhibit A was nearly three years ago and Exhibit C was wine-induced.

So, here's the proof to my reputation.  A co-worker (and good friend) recently slipped me a book with the following note inside:

  

I've done a little Photoshop to maintain everyone's anonymity.  (I can't believe I spelled that correctly on the first try.  Go, me!)  Just in case you have trouble reading purple, the note says:

Hi single girl,
I met this wonderful guy at the Book Festival on Saturday and thought [he might be helpful to you in a business capacity] He's just great.  (Married too, FYI)  Thanks!

Don't these messages usually come the other way around?  Aren't friends of single woman usually trying to encourage them to meet single men, not discourage them from accidentally hitting on the married ones?

Now, in my own defense, it's possible I haven't actually developed a reputation for stalking any guy with an empty left ring finger.  Other possible explanations:

A.  She figured clarification was necessary after calling him "wonderful" and "great."
B.  His book was about overcoming disabilities.  (If I'm remembering right, he's missing both an arm and a leg.)  Having a wonderful wife is another example of how he's living a "normal" life.
C.  She didn't mean a damn thing by it.  I just have a tendency to over-interpret things.

I bet if I were to ask her tomorrow, she wouldn't even remember writing the note.  But, I'd just like take this opportunity to say to all the friends who've brought me bachelors for my birthday, slipped away to give me a chance to flirt with a guy I find cute, or resisted the urge to hit me over the head with a frying pan every time I jokingly ask them to find me a man....thanks.  I really appreciate it!

The Power of Need

So, I've decided.  There are very few things I need in this world.  I've got a roof over my head, a great job, a full fridge, and a couple of pennies left in my bank account at the end of the month.

Like many other single girls out there in the dating world, I don't need someone to take care of me, but I'd like to find love.  It's a pretty average, ordinary story.

But, recently, I've decided that I must be a freak.  Because, while I'd love to be loved, I need to be needed.  It's not something I want.  It's something I need, like my houseplants need sunlight.  Like a swimmer needs air.

I've never been the girl who looked for the flawed guy so I could try to fix him.  I've always believed in taking people for who they are, flaws and all.  When my ex-mother in law lectured me about "making" her son act more responsibly, I'd say to her, "It was your job to raise him.  It's my job to put up with him."

On my drive home tonight, I decided that I'm not such a freak after all.  Hollywood has made quite a pretty penny on the power of need.  Need an example?

Sleepless in Seattle.  It goes like this.  Meg Ryan is a cute, successful, if impossibly thick haired newspaper writer.  While listening to a radio show, she learns of the plight of Tom Hanks, a widower with a young son who can't face life without his beautiful, perfect, dead wife.

Tom Hanks is a mess.  He's doing the best he can with his kid, but he's a man walking around with a big hole in his metaphysical heart.  It's very sad.  And Meg Ryan falls in love, sight unseen.

Now, the movie tries to make you think that Meg Ryan falls in love with Tom Hanks because he's capable of such a deep love.  He remembers the way his wife peeled an apple in one long curl, and Meg Ryan does the same thing.  Clearly, in Hollywoodland, this means they're MFEA.

Meanwhile, Meg Ryan has a fiancee.  The nerdy, but still cute Bill Pullman.

Now, Bill's got some flaws.  He tells bad jokes.  He uses one of those weird sleep apnea contraptions.   He's not perfect.

But, Bill Pullman could have been Brad Pitt.  It wouldn't have mattered.  Tom Hanks and his son needed Meg Ryan.  Bill Pullman was going to pull through just fine without her.

Meg Ryan needs to be needed, too.  So, she chooses the messed-up-guy-with-a-kid over the stable-but-slightly-odd Bill Pullman.  Who could blame her?

Maybe I'm not such a freak after all?

Things that make me go, "Huh?"

So, I know how y'all love the post where tell you about all the "winners" I've found on match.com.  (Don't y'all love that word?  I recently spent some time in Dallas, and I decided that y'all is the best word, ever!)

I feel the need to write a semi-serious post tonight, but first I'll reward you for paying attention with something fun.  Here's a collection of the most mind-numbingly confusing, weird, or awkward guys I was "matched" with over the past week or so.

Example 1:  The social butterfly.

Those of you who've met me know that I'm a pretty sociable gal.  So why, oh why, would match think this guy was a good fit?  First of all, let's take a look at what he does for fun:

I enjoy being at home but willing to go out if necessary.

Yay!  As long as I can drag you out of the house occasionally (only if necessary) then we're good, right?

How about your favorite things?

I like going to different places and trying new foods

Hmm...shouldn't that read, "I like going to different places and trying new foods, as long as it doesn't require me to leave the house?"

Maybe Mr. Sociable has something really great that's keeping him at home all the time.  Like...a pet?  

 

me and my x had a wonderfull yorki name viggo hes about 6 pounds and a great dog

Okay, that rule about not talking about your ex on the first date?  It applies double for your online dating profile!  There are a few exceptions to this rule (usually where custody of children is involved) but custody of a dog does not make the cut!

 

Example #2:  The goal-setter.

i hope to meet nice people who are willing to develop sincere friendships that may develop into a romantic relationship....

Okay, so you'd like to meet nice people (plural) for sincere friendships (plural) that may develop into a romantic relationship (singular.)  Dude, I know Kody Brown has gotten guys thinking they might be able to cash in on this plural marriage thing, but I don't think match.com is a good place to find a couple girls to help you film your own episode of "Sister Wives!"

 

 

I'm sorry for that grammatical outburst.  The Goal Setter continues...

however, this is not the main goal, although it would be nice. 

 Whew.  That's a relief.

 

i believe there are alot of nice ladies, that if they gave me a try, they would be pleasantly surprised and happy with the many fine qualities i bring to a freindship.

So...wait.  Your main goal is not to meet nice people for friendships that may turn into a relationship?  What is your main goal?  To find a new tennis partner?  To find someone to help you rob a bank?  I know what y'all are thinking.  (There's that word again!  So fun!)  I must have conveniently edited his profile and removed an reference to the actual goal.  Nope.  I gave you everything.  I'm just as confused as you are.

And finally.... Example #3:  The championship speller.

ENJOY LIFE TO FULLIEST JUST BEING ME, ALWAYS OPEN TO NEW IDEA'S, ENJOY TRAVELING WHEN I CAN. LOVE TO PLAY AFTER HARDWORK, ALWAYS APPRECIATE OTHERS JUST LOVE HUMANITY ENJOYING LIFE TO THE FULLIEST, WILLING TO MAKE A SCARFICE AS WELL AS SWALLOW MY PRIDE

A few things:

a) what's with the ALL CAPS?

b) Fulliest?  Is that one level fuller than fullest?

c) You only need to put the apostrophe before the "s" when using a possessive or a contraction.  This is neither.  Think of all the ink you can save!

d) I'm glad you're enjoying life "to the fulliest" twice in your single paragraph profile.  I could have forgotten that part after reading those other two sentences.  I'm so glad you reminded me!

e) You're willing to make a scarfice?  Is that like a scar face?  Because I really prefer my faces without scars.

f)  Why, exactly, do you need to swallow your pride?  Has your pride done something that requires swallowing?

Okay, new rule.  I never, ever, ever want to see any references to the word "swallow" in an online dating profile.  Eeewwwhhh!

Winks are for Wimps

I "un-hid" my profile on match about a week ago, and I've gotten quite a bit of attention since then.  None of it is the kind of attention I want.

What I want:  a charming, successful, funny, nice, smart, cute, follically blessed man to send me a personal email that sweeps me off my feet.

What I'm getting:  winks.

I hate winks.  I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do with a wink.  If I wink back, we just get stuck in this endless wink loop.  If I write back, I come across as too aggressive.


So, last night, I changed my headline to "Winks are for Wimps."  Since then, my wink rate is picking up speed.   Here's a chart to illustrate:

Yep.  This is the best graph I could come up with.  There's a reason I'm not a statistician!

For those of you not well versed in obscure graphs, I'll do the simple math.  Before I changed my headline, I was averaging one wink every 26.3 hours.  After I changed my headline, I got three winks in eight hours.  Seriously.  Can no one follow instructions?

Other things I did not miss on match.com:

1.  Photos with Attitude (a.k.a. Putting your best chin forward.)

Seriously?  Who told you this was attractive?

These guys seem to want you to know that they're the boss.  Either that, or they're really concerned about hiding their double chins.  They all sorta remind me of someone...

In case you were wondering, this is *not* a compliment.

2.  Photos that Require Interpretation (a.k.a. Is that your house or your neighbor's?)

Okay, here's a hint.  I want to see photos of you.  Not your kitchen.  Not the house you want to own someday.  Not your dog who died 3 years ago.  Not your art project from senior year.  And not the beautiful place you went on vacation 15 years ago.  Here are some examples:

Do you own this?  Do you want to own this?  Do you want me to want you to want to own this?

Am I supposed to be impressed?  By what?  Your fantastic kitchen in your basement apartment?  The fact that there are no dirty dishes in your sink?   The fact that you clearly need an interior decorator?  What?

Dude.  If I was going to hire a nature photographer, you'd be it.  But, I'm looking for a boyfriend.  Different resume.

While we're at it, please don't post photos of your kids.  Or your friend's kids.  Or your sister's kids.  Let's just keep the children away from potential predators on internet dating sites, okay?

3.  Illiterate assholes.  (And by that, I mean, illiterate assholes.)


Today's candidate:  Svett!

Are we to take this to mean that Svett is good at something?  Clearly those medals aren't from spelling bees!

Svett wants you to know many, many things.  First:

"I like to hang out with my frined dont like to read much like going to the movies you know the clasic stuff ...."

Oh good.  That's useful information.  What else do you have for me?

"i realy dont know what to write so im just going to use the random words. "

Oh...well...at least we can praise Svett's honesty?

"actualy i a real nice guy but not looking for anything special just some fun. I would realy like to some ones buty call hehe so just call me ;)"

I had to stare at that for a good, long while before I knew what Svett is looking for.  I'll save you the trouble.  He wants to be someone's "booty call."

Now do you get the crack about the spelling bees?

Escaping the Past

Two weeks ago, I stood up in front of a group of strangers (and my boss) and told the story of the Doctor Who Bit Me.  If you remember, the Doctor was the 12th man I dated after my best friend's husband challenged me to go on dates with 20 men before I stared looking for "the one." 

The crowd was suitably amused, and my boss was suitably horrified.  I walked out of that room feeling pretty darn good, with a free t-shirt under my arm and an invitation to come back to compete again for a really cool prize.  It was awesome.

I got home and checked Facebook.  I thought I'd go ahead and RSVP to the invitation stuffing party for a charity event.  When...horror of horrors, I notice that the Doctor is also RSVPed to attend.

But, the drama doesn't end there.  #8 - Pee Boy is also on the RSVP.  I haven't thought about him for years!  (Nor have I wanted to.)

Also helping out with this charity event are #3 (The Republican) and #17 (The Man.)  Seriously.  Four men I've dated are helping out with this one charity event.

Four.

F-O-U-R.

This is not four men out of hundreds.  That would be statistically strange, but not beyond belief.  This is four men out of 20, in a city of 4.4 million people.  (The always accurate Wikipedia puts the population of Boston "proper" at just under 650,000, but since neither I, nor many of these bachelors actually live in the city, I'm using the numbers for Greater Boston.)


As far as I know, none of these four men know each other.  (I suppose that's a silver lining?)  None of them dumped me.  (Also a silver lining.)  One of the four is now a good friend, who might be willing to defend my honor should the other three get out of hand.

I'm sure when this charity event arrives in early December, I'll be able to blend into the crowd.  I'll have a glass of wine and pretend that the Doctor isn't leering at me, and that the Man isn't sad, and that Pee Boy....

Well, there's nothing to do about Pee Boy except to wish that he didn't exist.  It's bedtime now.  I'll have to explain that one later.

How are you?

I am smart, funny, successful, and relatively socially adept.  I try to be a good person who treats others with kindness and respect.  I'm a girl who could stand to lose a few pounds, but I've been told I have a fantastic smile.  That's a compliment I have no trouble believing.

I have lots of friends.  Sometimes I worry that I have more friends than I can handle.  I gossip more than I should, but I truly love all the people whose quirks drive me crazy.  I'm not an angry drunk, or a sad drunk, or a just-plain-drunk.  I pay my taxes, contribute to charities, and vote in most elections (but maybe not every primary.)

When I'm not dating anyone in particular, I have no doubt about any of the above facts.  I have my good days and my bad days, just like everyone else.  But, I know that I am worthy of the space I'm taking up on this Earth.

But, when I'm dating someone, inevitably my self-worth starts to hinge on his opinion.  I start thinking... I haven't gotten as many emails from him today, there must be something wrong.  He looks distracted at the dinner table, I wonder what I said to upset him?  When I was married, I even found myself falling into the ultimate mental drama,  I've said "I love you" before him the past 3, 5, or 10 times.  Does that mean I love him more than he loves me?  (To that last point, if you never give a guy a chance to email first, call first, or say "I love you" first, the fact that you always beat him to the punch just means that you're being an incredibly insecure person who needs to take a breath.)

As I've mentioned here before, I'm a girl who tends to dive into relationships head first.  Is it any wonder?  If I need that constant validation, that continuous upping of the ante, can I really be surprised when I find myself behind the bars of a prison of my own making?  (Or, to be slightly less drama queen-ish, if I never take the time to get to know someone slowly, before falling in love, how will I ever know if the guy I fall for is worthy of my adoration?)

So, as you might have guessed, I'm sorta kinda dating someone.  It's only "sorta kinda" because things are currently moving at an absolute snail's pace, at least for me.  We were moving quite quickly for a while there, and then he asked if he could slow things down.  At that point, I figured I had two options.  Say "yes" and see where it leads.  Or say "no" and totally push him away.  I chose to say "yes."

I think it's probably good for me, to slow down and get to know someone before giving him my heart and soul.  But, every time it takes a little longer to get an email back from him, I'm sure he's pulling farther away.  The second that email arrives in my inbox, I'm convinced I was just imagining things.  I have even started to do math (and I hate math!)  For example, last Tuesday I got seven emails from him, but they were all one liners.  Yesterday I got four, and two text messages, but they were longer.  So, do I chart the "falling off of interest" by the number of emails, or by the length of those emails?

This is stupid.  How about I not chart the "falling off of interest?"  How about I focus on my own life, on my own self-worth, and on my own hopes and dreams?  If he turns out to be a worthy (and willing) participant in that life, that's cool.  If not, that's cool too.

It's tough, especially when I'm getting emails from friends who ask how he's doing, but forget to ask about how I'm doing.  I had a big week.  I got permission to take a fun work trip and came in second place in this really cool contest, and it's only Tuesday.  But let's not talk about that.  How's the boy?

I'm just as guilty as the next girl.  When's the last time I remembered to ask you about your job before I asked you if you'd gone on any good dates lately? 

Who are you dating?  Is he cute?  What does he do?  Does he want kids?  What's better, match or eharmony?  Where would you go for a romantic getaway, Vermont or the Berkshires?

The questions go on and on.  Can it be any wonder that we begin to feel like our self worth hinges entirely on our relationship status line on Facebook?  Is it any wonder that we put the needs of the guys in our lives ahead of our own? 

So, dear friends, when we chat, let's not make him the only topic of conversation.  When you email me, considering asking me how I'm doing, before you ask how things are going with him.  You know me well enough to know that you'll hear from me if there's anything to report! 

Note:  I wrote this post nearly two weeks before I published it.  Since writing, my recently divorced Romeo has decided that he's not ready for a relationship.  Since I'm really, really ready for a relationship (I mean, really, really, really ready already!) we've decided to part ways.  But, I still think my little ephiphany has merit.  

When next we meet, if I don't ask about you before I ask about him, feel free to bonk me over the head.  Preferably with something fluffy.  It can take a little while to break old habits... 

A Boy Named Sue and Other Updates...

I'm sure not one of my two faithful readers has been lying awake at night wondering where I've gone.  For the record, everything is good.  Quite good, in fact.  So good that I don't want to blog about any of it, because I'm superstitious that way.

But, I don't want either of you to suffer from withdrawal, so I'll update what little there is to update. 

First of all, remember psycho?  Way, way, way back in May?  No?  Gosh, I really thought everyone was taking notes.  Okay, here's the quick synopsis.  (And the not-so-quick synopsis.)

He asked me out for a walk on a Saturday afternoon.  I said "sure."  A few dozen emails later, he asked me out for Friday night instead.  When I said I was busy, he guilt tripped me into thinking waiting an extra 20 hours to meet was unreasonable.  It all went downhill from there and culminated in him calling me "crazy" and talking about urinating in my car.

So, out of absolutely nowhere, I get an email from Mr. Psycho this week.  As usual, it was witty, charming, and well thought out.

how are you?

Ahhh, yes.  Mr. Psycho thinks a three word "sentence" lacking in capitalization is going to be enough to lure me back into a conversation?  Mr. Psycho is clearly still...psycho.

Okay, but now, as promised, on to the Boy Named Sue.  The boy was not actually named Sue.  We don't use real names of guys we actually meet in this blog.  But, he was "gifted" with an otherwise feminine name.  Poor BNS.

BNS and I email chatted for a few weeks before we actually met.  We had a phone "date."  We hit it off well enough, but due to his busy schedule we didn't actually meet until nearly two weeks ago. 

I have this to say to BNS.  Ya snooze, ya lose.  In between scheduling a date with BNS and actually attending said date, I struck up a conversation with the current object of my affection.  We scheduled our first date very quickly and by the time I set out to meet up with BNS, we were already planning our second date.  So, I knew walking into the bar to meet BNS that he didn't have a chance.

That said, I also knew when I walked into the bar to meet BNS that I didn't have a chance in hell of recognizing him.  My only hope was that he would be late, and therefore tasked with the job of finding me.  Luckily, that's exactly what happened.

BNS is that he only had two photos posted on match.  The first was a fish photo.  You know the type...back to the sun, baseball cap on head, holding a prize catch.  They're all pretty much the same, so I didn't feel bad stealing a few from the web and making a montage.

No, none of these guys are the BNS. 

The subject in all these photos is the fish, not the guy.  So, if you're trying to let someone know what you look like (on a dating site, for example) it's not a really good choice.  If you're trying to hide your identity because you're in witness protection, it's totally the way to go.

BNS's second photo was an extreme close up.  Putting together a montage of this type of photo was a little more difficult.  I had to get creative.

None of these guys are the BNS either.  One of them isn't even real.

Incidentally, when I tried to find some "extreme close up" photos on google images, this is what I came up with.

Very funny, but it didn't make my point.  You can totally tell what Wayne and Garth look like.

So, it should come as a surprise to no one that when I finally met BNS, I spent the next ten minutes completely confused because he didn't look anything like I expected.  Maybe I'm dating myself here, but it's kinda like the first time I found out Casey Kasem looked like this:

No.  Casey Kasem is a little man in a funny sweater?  Say it isn't so!

I spent the next two hours having a polite, friendly conversation with the Boy Named Sue.  We laughed.  We had a good time.  We exchanged biographical but not personal information.  But, the entire time I was dreaming of Date #2 with the other guy.  BNS asked me out again, but I politely declined. 

And that's the story of the Boy Named Sue...how do you do?

How Jane Austen Ruined Me for Real Men

My evening gym experience is always so much better when something good is on TV.  Today,  I breezed my way through 3.5 miles on the treadmill while watching the last 40 minutes of Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice.  It was the Keira Knightly version, which according to the ever-useful imdb stars a dreamboat named Matthew Macfadyen as Mr. Darcy.

Whew!  The brooding eyes.  The open collar.  The mullet!

As I tried to ignore my tight right hamstring, I found myself thinking (and not for the first time) how finding love would be so much easier if I had never heard of Jane Austen.  It doesn't help that I started reading her novels as a ridiculously bookish 4th grader.  Before I even realized that boys didn't have cooties, I already had unrealistic expectations.

For me, the problem isn't that Austen's men are so charming, or so dashing, or so gorgeous.  (Though, I have developed quite a fascination with broody eyed men in frilly shirts.  I'm just saying!)

No, the problem is that Austen's men are so terribly flawed.  They're mean, judgmental, aloof, harsh, and rude.  And have I mentioned the brooding?  I'm really not a fan of actual brooding.

But, somehow, by the end, an Austen man always turns it around.  After wrongly convincing a friend to scorn your older sister, he saves your family from social ruin by forcing the man who ran away with your younger sister to marry her.

The other Mr. Darcy.  Who could resist Colin Firth after this one?

Or, he's been criticizing your every move because he's loved you for your entire life and never even knew it.

Don't worry.  The distressed look on Gwyneth's face isn't caused by the beautiful man standing behind her!

And, when you finally realize that you love him too, there's nothing left to do but to profess your eternal devotion while standing in a field of flowers, or in front of a beautiful sunset, or while getting drenched in a torrential rainstorm.

Oh, Mr. Knightly.  You're such a scamp.

In Austen's world, a rough, dark, moody, harsh military man can turn into a sweetheart who's just worried about the fate of a young woman he promised to look after.

I have never before, and will never again, think that Alan Rickman is sexy.  But, Austen-ized, he's a dreamboat.

And another rough, dark, moody, harsh military man is just trying to hide his unwavering love for you, even though you scorned him years ago and sent him off to face certain death while seeking his fortune in the military.

I recommend the 2007 version of Persuasion.  Rupert Penry-Jones as Captain Wentworth smolders like no other!

And that guy who broke your heart?  He was just being honorable.  He ripped out your soul so that he wouldn't break a promise to another woman.  An annoying, shrill, high maintenance, gold-digger of a woman.  But, still, his promise to her is oh-so-much more important than your puny little heart.

Even Hugh Grant looks good...not at all like the kind of guy who'd get caught with a transvestite prostitute.

As you probably have noticed by now, when it comes to Jane Austen's men, I've read them all, watched them all, and even dreamed of them all.  Sadly, when I find a man who's rude, brooding, harsh, moody, or even overly critical, I don't run.  Instead, like a heroine in a Jane Austen novel, I wait for him to turn it all around.

Sometimes I wait a very long time.  12 years is my current record.  And, you know what?  They never do turn it around.  Rude, brooding, harsh, moody and overly critical men are exactly what they appear to be...even if they agree to wear a frilly shirt for Halloween.

(True story.  I got my ex-husband to wear one once.  It didn't change who he was inside.)

But, you know what?  Relying on Jane Austen to teach you about love is like allowing a kid who's played that "Operation" board game to actually operate on you.  Jane Austen died alone.  By most accounts, she never found love.  Sure, if you watched that "Becoming Jane" movie, you might think Austen was a pretty, Anne Hathaway type who had a passionate love affair with James McAvoy.  But, that's a movie, people.  There might be bits of it that are true, but it's no less than 90% Hollywood.

If you're gonna have just one passionate love affair before dying alone, James McAvoy is a mighty fine choice!

So, tonight, I pledge to dream about sheep.  Or rainbows.  Or aliens coming down to take over the earth.  Really, anything but an Austen man.  Because, well, I deserve so much better than Austen has to offer.

Karma Coming My Way...

I know this is going to be hard to believe, given all the nasty things I write on this blog, but I generally consider myself to be a pretty nice person.  I try to be considerate.  I try not to hurt anyone's feelings.  And, although I have a tendency to vent my frustrations loudly and (hopefully) with great humor, I really don't hold ill will toward anyone.  (With the possible exception of Mr. Crazy Pants, because he deserves it.  I promise.)

So, why do I say such nasty things on this blog?  I mean, sure, I'm theoretically hidden behind anonymity, but most of you know exactly who I am.  

The answer came to me the other day.  I was actually trying to explain away the mind-boggling and (I believe) unintentionally hurtful remarks one friend had made to another. 

I told my friend that the other girl hadn't meant the things she said.  I told her that people sometimes say awful things to try to hide the fact that they are lonely.  I said that it can be easier to make fun of the guys who are available than it is to come to grips with the fear of being old and alone.

Wow.  I was speaking of someone else, but doesn't much of that apply to me?  I don't really consider myself lonely, but I'd be lying if I said I was never afraid.  I'm afraid of choosing another soul-suckingly bad relationship.  I'm afraid not having any kids or grandkids to visit me in the old folks home.  And, yes, some days I'm afraid of becoming known as "that girl" who keeps getting caught making out with random guys on Moody Street.  (I'm so glad my mom doesn't know about this blog!)

So, to all the online daters I've poked fun at, I'm sorry.  I wish you well.  You might not be "the guy" for me, but there is someone out there for you.  She's probably someone who doesn't care about whether you ignore the helpful red lines of spell check, but still...she's out there!

Does this mean I'm going to stop documenting my dating adventures?  No way!  But, I'll try to make a better effort to point at least half the jokes at myself.  And I'll try to remember that every time I make a snap judgment about some guy's online dating profile, there's probably someone else on the other end of a computer screen saying, "She's too old."  "She's too fat."  "She's too ____."
 

Beginnings...

Anyone who's ever taken a writing class knows that beginnings are important.  The first paragraph of a term paper should set up the thesis.  The opening scene of a movie needs to grab the viewer's attention.  And the first sentence of an online dating profile should, at the very least, make me want to read the second sentence.

You'd be surprised how often that doesn't quite happen...

So, first...to all the guys who start their profiles with some version of "I can't believe I'm doing this" or "it's really hard to describe yourself in a few words"--get over it.  We ALL can't believe we're doing this, and we ALL have no idea how to describe ourselves in a few words.

Let's take a closer look at a few of the very special guys who checked out my profile after my latest re-design.  (By the way, the new haircut photo is still getting a lot of attention.  Who knew?  From now on, all my profile pics will be taken immediately after a professional styles my hair!)

Lesson #1:
Listen to the advice of others.  This is not a post about photos, but this one requires a visual aid.



OK, so I showed my coworker my match profile and she said, "Let me see your photo, make it bigger." I clicked on it and she said, "Oh my Jesus, you look like a freakin' psycho!". Who knew? 

Dude.  Yours is the creepiest photo I've ever seen.   Listen to your friend!  Besides, according to your profile, you're a professional photographer?  This photo makes me question your skills...and your judgment. 

Lesson #2:
Phrases like "white male" should be reserved for police reports and scientific studies.

I am a white male in good shape who acts younger than my age who's looking for a partner that is out going and even tempered.

 Also, noun/verb agreement is important. 

Lesson #3:
Save the fine print for later.



Professional male seeking confident or semi confident woman who knows how to enjoy quality of life. Please no sugar babies looking for sugar daddy to provide happiness and success.

Really?  This happens to you all the time?  You feel like you need to start your profile with this caveat?  I know a lot of women who are/have been/will someday be on match.com, and none of them are looking for a "sugar daddy."

Lesson #4:
Get a proof-reader.

i would like to take her out to eat … 
i'm looking for a serrious relationship,possibley more. no games. ready to settle down,someday have kids. family oreanted man i am.



Typos happen.  There are dozens of them in this blog.  But, try not to sound like Popeye when you write, don't ignore the little red lines that tell you something is misspelled, and make an attempt at punctuation.  At least hit the "shift" key every once in a while!

Lesson #5
If you feel compelled to start with a joke, make sure it's a funny one.

They say a man should always dress for the job he wants...so why am I dressed up like a pirate in this restaurant?

This guy is wearing a business suit in every single picture, and his joke sounds like it's straight from "Public Speaking for Dummies."

Lesson #6:
Try not to clue potential dates into the reason why you're still single.

I like a woman who is secure and can give and take a joke without getting offended or taking everything personal. 

So, you've had a lot of girls walk out on you after you say something stupid, eh?

Lesson #7:
If you're gonna claim to be something, try to make it believable.

I, am a writer at heart. 

One question for ya, Mr. Writer.  What's that comma for?



Lesson #8:
Cut out the business talk.

I work hard in the tech area, dry type of job working with intangibles which triggers the need for more soft and enjoyable activities to make the balance. 

This is a pet peeve of mine.  If something is actually intangible, you can't work with it.  It's just not possible.  Beyond that, what exactly are "soft" activities?  Pillow fights with extra fluffy pillows?  Bouncing around in the ball pit at Chuck E. Cheese?

Lesson #9:
Don't start with a bunch of things I already know:

im 5"9 brown hair and brown eyes ..38 years old have two children.

Yep.  That's all listed in your profile.  Anything else you'd like to share?

Lesson  #10:
Avoid yelling.



PLEASE READ THE WHOLE PROFILE.....

Seriously, dude?  Demanding already?  You haven't even met me.  I can't deal.

Prettying up the Profile/Meet Jose

As of this week, I've officially been on match.com for six months.  For some, that might feel like utter failure, but I'm thinking it's not such a bad deal.  I signed up for the six month guarantee, and unlike the other thousands of people who fall for that trap, I actually met all the requirements to redeem it.  So, it's a free six months for me.  Whooo Hoooo!

One thing you learn from being on match.com from six months, the best way to get the computer to put you high in the search results is to update your profile.  So, this week I went for a complete overhaul.  I got a new haircut, had a friend take a new profile pic, and uploaded away.

Unfortunately, my new pic was so pretty, the computer didn't believe it was me!  It was approved as an "additional photo only" because some fancy software tagged it as a photo in which the subscriber did not appear. 

Two moderately annoying email exchanges with match.com customer support later, I finally have myself a new profile pic.  (Seriously, why on earth should that have taken TWO different customer service reps to get fixed?)  I also changed a few paragraphs here and there, with an eye towards brevity.  As you might have noticed, I tend to be a bit verbose.

All of this results in a whole flurry of new views.  Guys are looking at my profile left and right!  Most of them are only looking, not writing.  But hey...you gotta start somewhere!

Apparently, I'm starting with Jose.

Wow, Jose.  Where do I begin with all the things that are wrong with this picture?

Beyond wanting to show me his keen eye for interior decoration, (I particularly adore the way he hung the US map askew.  Very edgy.)  Jose also wants me to know that he owns horses and enjoys "travel yam sport."  The last book he read was apparently called "any." 

Jose also claims to be "slender."  Don't get me wrong, slender guys kinda creep me out.  The mere idea that a guy might weigh less than me sends me into nervous fits.  So, I'm not judging Jose's body type to be wrong in any way.  All I'm saying is, judge for yourself, but Jose is either wearing a shirt three sizes too big, or he's not "slender."

I actually think Jose might be a nice guy.  There was something sweet about his little email to me.  (Maybe it was the fact that he called me sweety?) 

English is clearly not Jose's first language, and that's fine.  But, whatever language Jose first learned to speak probably included some sort of punctuation.  It likely used capitalization as well. 

Jose's profile?  Well...not so much.

i would love to get involved activites any time of year i love life and every thing that como withit enjoy having good around me you only live once i liike to going for dinner i would like to have girl very personality family loveing good future and love for ever some times we forget about how lucky are to be here i looking for good girl i not looking for jump thank for reading my profile

Huh?

The silly things I miss...

So, I'm calling myself the "Single Girl" on this blog, but the truth is most of my adult life I've been in what match.com likes to call "serious committed relationships."  The last time I was actually single, my girlfriends liked to joke that I was the girl who "doesn't stay single for long."

I've been single for a whole year now.  Officially.  Sure, there have been guys I've dated more than twice.  But, no one's risen to the rank of "boyfriend."  I guess that's good.  I had to get myself put back together after my last relationship (which might have caused a slightly more dramatic girl to be "seriously committed" to a mental institution!)

It would be kind to call my last relationship dysfunctional.  Sure, we had our good days, but it was rocky at best.  At worst, I'd call it emotionally violent.  (Yeah, I know it would make more sense to use the word "abusive" there, but I'm really not sure that word is... well... enough.)

You can see why I'm hesitant to admit that there's one thing I miss about being in a relationship, even a relationship as bad as the last one I found myself in?  But, here it is.  I miss having someone to talk to about all those silly little things that happen in our daily lives.  You know, the stories that simply aren't important enough to call up a friend, but somehow still too funny to keep bottled inside?

So, here's the latest.  This happened last week, but I just haven't found anyone to listen to it yet. 

I was walking to the gym after work when I noticed a shiny new hatchback with smoke pouring out of the rear tire.  Not surprisingly, the car had a great big zipcar logo on the door.

The car looked a lot like this one.  Same color and everything!

I knocked on the window and waved my arms violently to try to let the driver know that she needed to stop driving.  There was something very clearly wrong with her rental car.  But, as she pulled up beside me, I could see very plainly that she was driving with her emergency brake on.

I tried to tell her what the problem was, but she couldn't figure out how to roll down the window to hear me.  Finally, she understood, but she couldn't figure out how to release the emergency brake.  She was looking around near her left leg. (Apparently she had never driven a car with the emergency brake on the center console? Had she only ever driven stick shifts?  Or cars made pre-1980?)

The release looked a lot like this.  Pretty normal, don't you think?  But the poor girl was perplexed.

After a couple of minutes of pantomime, I shouted at her that she really needed to focus on rolling down the window so I could help.  When she did, I literally had to reach into the car and touch the emergency brake release and show her how to use it. 

It was my good deed for the day.

Thanks for listening.

eHarmony Customer Support Might Not Understand English

Now, let's not get all political here and debate whether customer support jobs should be going across the seas to India or wherever.   I’m in full support of people around the globe being able to work jobs that are too annoying, stressful, or low-paying to be scooped up by people in this country.

But, I don't think the people I'm dealing with at eHarmony understand English.  They seem to speak it just fine.  (Or in this case, write it.)  But, the responses they're sending me have no relation whatsoever to my question.  It feels like the expert Customer Care team is picking answers at random from the eHarmony FAQ.

Here's a news flash, folks.  If I had a "Frequently Asked Question," I would have already found the "Frequently Used Answer."

So, what’s the problem?  Let’s go back a bit. 

A few months ago, I started corresponding with a guy I’m gonna call Buffy Boy.

Why’s that?  Well, in addition to all sorts of cool and self-aware profile answers that make girls like me go weak in the knees, Buffy Boy (BB for short) professed a love for all things Joss Whedon.

 Yes, I really am geeky enough to think this guy is awesome.

Let’s face it.  All Whedonites who have reasonably good personal hygiene and don’t live in their parents basement get a first date.  That’s just how I roll.

Due to a long and complicated string of events, a couple of months passed between that first promising email and our first date.  So, when I walked into that non-descript pub in a town near my home to finally meet BB, I was more than a bit excited.

And…well…not so much.  BB was cute enough, but not nearly as cute as his profile pics.  He was funny, but not as funny as his emails.  He bills himself as a super-social friendly guy, but in person he came off as a little bit awkward.  Nothing tragic, mind you.  Just nothing that really flipped my wig.

Here's a wig that's been appropriately flipped.  Sassy, ain't it?

Apparently I didn’t flip his hypothetical wig either because he sent me away with an over-rehearsed speech about how he had a great time but just didn’t feel enough of that “romantic chemistry.” And how that’s okay because he’s looking for “one in a million,” and yadda, yadda, yadda, and blah, blah, blah.

I was disappointed.  After all that anticipation how could I not be?  But, I did not disagree.  The spark just wasn’t there…

After I got home, I got another email from him through the eHarmony site, reiterating that he’d had a great time and that he wishes me luck with my search.  Really, BB?  Must you be so patronizing?  I
actually do agree with you here...

(Clearly, my issues with feeling patronized over/by this match started long before my ill-fated exchange with eHarmony Customer Care.)

Let’s face it, I don’t go on dates to make new friends.  But, it was pub trivia night at the bar during my date with Buffy Boy and between the two of us, we knew every single answer.  Since I am a pub trivia slut (I’ll play anywhere, anytime, with anyone!) I couldn’t resist the urge to suggest that if ever he wanted to kick ass on pub trivia night, he should let me know.

Almost immediately I got an email from eHarmony saying that BB had responded.  Great!  I log in, excited to say “hello” to my new trivia teammate!  But, the email has disappeared.  In fact, all my emails with Buffy Boy have disappeared. 

Now, I’m left hanging.  Do I have a new trivia teammate or not?  This guy is smart, goddammit!  I need to know if I can call on him in times of trivia crisis!

So, I fire off the first email to eHarmony Customer Care.  (See.  I promised I’d get back to the point of my story eventually.  Sometimes it just takes me a while.)

Hi folks,
Last week I got a notification of an email from one of my matches.  When I went in to read it, I discovered he had closed me.  I'd like to read this final email, but it's not showing up.  I can find the match [Buffy Boy] but the eHarmony tab is grayed out, as if we had never sent emails to each other.  I've gone back into other matches who closed me and I can still see their emails, so it's not an issue of whether I can figure out how to use the website.  I think there's been some sort of glitch.  Is there any way the email can be recovered?
Thanks,
Single Girl

In just a few hours (and in the middle of the night, supporting my foreign nation theory) I have my Patronizing Response, Exhibit #1.

Dear Single Girl,
Thank you for contacting eHarmony Customer Care.
I can certainly understand your concern regarding your match and I will be glad to assist you. Once a match has been closed, you are no longer able to communicate with or re-open the match from within your account. However, if you would like for me to investigate the possibility of re-opening communication with [Buffy Boy] for you, please reply to this email. I will then send an email to the match on your behalf, requesting permission to re-open communication. Pending a favorable reply from the match, I will then re-open communication and notify you.
We look forward to helping you find the love of your life.
Sincerely,
Michael R.

Eeek!  Wait!  No!  If I really wanted to contact this guy, I have his real email address.  And his phone number.  And his work address.  Options abound.  All I want to do is read the email he’s already sent to me.  Can this really be so hard?

Let’s try this again.

Thanks for the speedy response.
Please do NOT contact [Buffy Boy] on my behalf. I do not wish to re-open communication. I know that I cannot communicate with a match once it is closed and I am fine with that. I merely want to be able to read the last eHarmony mail your system says he sent me before he closed me.
As I explained below, your system sent me notification that [Buffy Boy] sent me an eHarmony mail before he closed me. That mail (and all our other open communication) has disappeared. I believe there has been a technical glitch, as I can still read old mail messages from other closed matches. Is there any way to recover the lost data?
Thanks,
Single Girl

This should do the trick, don't you think?  But, no.  This only results in me getting passed on to a new guy.  One who still doesn't understand my problem and feels it necessary to be super-extra-patronizing.

Dear Single Girl,
Thank you for your email.
I shall be pleased to assist you in regards to your match [Buffy Boy] and communication history with other matches. Rest assured as the request to communicate has not been sent to [Buffy Boy].
I understand how difficult it can be to be closed by a match, and we encourage you to be positive as you continue your search for that special someone. It only takes one match to be the right person and if a match has been closed, then chances are, that was not the one. We will continue to search for matches daily and while it can be a process, we hope you will agree the result of finding that one special someone is well worth the time and effort.
Further, I would suggest that you reply back to this email with the name and location of the closed matches that you are able to review the communications.
We look forward to helping you find the love of your life.
Sincerely,
Mev C.
Customer Care
eHarmony

Okay, so now you're giving me a lecture about “being positive?”  If I need help with my self esteem, I'll talk to my shrink.  I have asked you for help with a TECHNICAL problem.  Why don't you try giving your email servers a pep talk, and leave me out of it?

This is how I’d really like to respond.

Dude,
#1:  I’m the most positive person you’ll ever meet.  (Or never meet, as it’s unlikely I’ll be visiting you at the eHarmony Customer Care Center, especially if my suspicious are correct and you’re located in some foreign locale.)
#2:  Can we stop with all this “love of your life” crap?  So far you've matched me up with weirdos, perverts, and commitment-phobes  At this point, I'd be satisfied if you found me someone with opposable thumbs.
Thanks.

Single People in their 30s and 40s are Weird

Yeah, I know what I just said.  I said single people in their 30s and 40s are weird. 

I'm single and in my thirties...approaching 40.  I am in this category of "weird" people.  I get it.  But, I spent the evening at a singles event and there were plenty of single twenty, thirty, and forty somethings there. (Where do the single people over 40 go? It must be tough. I should quit my whining.)

Anyway at this event there were plenty of seemingly normal twenty somethings. They had jobs. Apartments. Roommates. Varied interests. And somewhat moldable personalities.

We thirty and forty somethings were missing some of those vital pieces of normalcy.  Sure we had jobs.  And a place to live.  But most of us had ditched the roommates...and out with the roomies went the varied interests and moldable personalities.

Sure, you gotta grow up sometime. You can't reman a soft ball of clay forever. But somewhere along the way have we lost the abilty to bend without breaking?  Have we lost the ability to follow a different dream every night of the week?  Or try new things?  Or start over?

I met a lot of lovely people tonight but many of them were just a little weird. They had become singularly focused...locked in on the one or two things that define them. The environmentalist's life was entirely focused on that one thing.  It's not that I disagreed.  He's probably right.  But I can't imagine living every day, scared to turn on the a/c in my car because I wanted to make sure my gas mileage doesn't dip below 55 mpg.

Similarly other 30-40 year olds were defined by a love of travel.  Or a job.  Lovely people, all, but it's hard to imagine myself meshing with any of them.

That's just it...isn't it?  I'm every bit as weird as they are.  I am defined by my love of swing dancing, geeky television shows, and the pursuit of an increasingly large cadre of friends...even though I sometimes find myself without time for the ones I've already got.  What one person will ever be willing to join me in all those obsessions?

I am a 30-40 year old, and I am weird.

So, it's not that I'm looking for someone's who's not weird.  I'm looking for someone whose weirdness I can tolerate.  And, even though I met some truly lovely people tonight, none of them fit the bill.

Oh...and The Doctor Who Bit Me was there and I got pilled into a prolonged conversation with him.  Ugh.  'Nuff said.

Fifth time's the charm?

Meet Harry.

Harry likes me. He really, really likes me. How do I know this? Well, three years ago, when I first joined match.com, Harry sent me the following message.

Hi there,

You have a very charming profile. I am intrigued! Please take a look at mine and let me know if there is any interest. A profile, as such, is just that: a profile! It does not and can not even come close to conveying the true essence of me as a person.

However, I hope you like what you read/see (either or both)! I look forward to your positive response ...


Best,


- Harry

Then, when I joined again in March of this year, Harry sent me THIS message.

Hi there,


You have a very charming profile. I am intrigued! Please take a look at mine and let me know if there is any interest. A profile, as such, is just that: a profile! It does not and can not even come close to conveying the true essence of me as a person.


However, I hope you like what you read/see (either or both)! I look forward to your positive response ...


Best,


- Harry

And again in April, he sent me this...

Hi there,


You have a very charming profile. I am intrigued! Please take a look at mine and let me know if there is any interest. A profile, as such, is just that: a profile! It does not and can not even come close to conveying the true essence of me as a person.


However, I hope you like what you read/see (either or both)! I look forward to your positive response ...


Best,


- Harry

In May, when I changed my main profile photo, I received it again.

Hi there,


You have a very charming profile. I am intrigued! Please take a look at mine and let me know if there is any interest. A profile, as such, is just that: a profile! It does not and can not even come close to conveying the true essence of me as a person.


However, I hope you like what you read/see (either or both)! I look forward to your positive response ...


Best,


- Harry

And, just today, after changing my profile photo again, I got it...AGAIN.

Hi there,


You have a very charming profile. I am intrigued! Please take a look at mine and let me know if there is any interest. A profile, as such, is just that: a profile! It does not and can not even come close to conveying the true essence of me as a person.


However, I hope you like what you read/see (either or both)! I look forward to your positive response ...


Best,


- Harry

Now, if I get an obvious form letter from a guy I'm actually interested in, I'll respond. (To be honest, I'm not sure this theory has ever been tested. I think the kind of guy who's gonna hold my interest is generally going to send a personalized response.)


I understand that some guys just aren't word smiths. That's fine. Words are my thing. I don't actually need to end up with someone who's comfortable stringing compound sentences together. I'd much rather end up with someone who's adept at minor car repairs or good at remembering to pay bills on time. (Don't worry. I always get the bills paid. Just not necessarily on time!)


But, Harry, at least according to his profile, is capable of using the English language. After all, Harry has (and I'm quoting,)

Three grad degrees in different but highly relevant areas - two from an Ivy League school and one from a Big Ten program.

 In fact, Harry doesn't have the slightest problem with words. He even quotes Shakespeare and the Sound of Music! (Though, in the interest of not losing my three dedicated readers, I'll spare you the Julie Andrews reference.)

Like Shakespeare said, "If music be the food of love, play on"... after all, love is nothing but friendship set to music :-)!! For starters, I am a tall, athletic, decent looking, well educated, financially secure, professional with an active lifestyle and a great sense of humor. I am in search of my soulmate! A sweet, pretty, feminine lady with a bright personality and a quick wit is *all* (!!) that I ask for!

(I have to mention here that Harry's overuse of the exclamation point has made me re-evaluate that pesky piece of punctuation in my own writing. I promise. I'll try to use it more sparingly in the future.)


I decided, for my good deed of the day, I'd write to Harry and let him know that receiving the same form letter five times does not make a girl feel special. I tried to be nice. After all, Harry might not be my type, but he seems like a nice enough fella. If the only thing separating him from finding his true soulmate and living a happy life is an unnecessary reliance on form letter emails, it would be remiss of me not to point it out.


Besides, match.com said I needed to send two more emails this billing cycle in order to redeem my six months free guarantee. The rules don't stipulate that I actually have to be interested in the people who receive those emails!


So, this is what I sent. The goal was to offer a little constructive criticism, without making him think he should use this new-found strategy on me. How did I do?

Harry,


You've sent this exact message to me four times since March. And I'm pretty sure when I was on match 3 years ago, you sent the same exact message then, too.


I'm not interested, but maybe you'd like some friendly advice? Women are much more likely to respond to you if they feel like you've at least made the effort to write something personal. Maybe in the email you could reference something specific that you found charming about their profile? Then they know that you think they're special, and not just one of dozens of girls you email every day.


Good luck!

While I Was Out

So, between going ga-ga over a guy for a couple weeks and going on vacation with my parents, it's been a while since we've gone through the pile of winners in my inbox.  So, here's a few more don'ts, for those of you who might be considering posting profiles on dating websites.

First of all, I know it's tough to get a green card.  This is the land of opportunity, blah, blah, blah, and I don't blame you if you'd like to find yourself a nice American girl to settle down with and live the American dream.  But, if that's your goal, maybe you should start first by having one of your new American friends (you do have friends, don't you?) snap a pic of you?  Because, really, anything's gotta be better than using your passport photo, complete with watermark.  Does anyone look good in their passport photo?

Second, I get that you might be shy.  You might have a big, important job (who doesn't?) and you seem to think that people will think less of you if they know you're on a dating website.  But, dude, you know what I look like.  On what universe do you think it's fair that this is all you give me of yourself?

Here's a hint.  If your photo doesn't give me enough information to be able to find you in a crowded bar or coffeehouse, I'm not ever going to agree to meet you at a crowded bar or coffeehouse.  And, since I don't actually know you, I'm certainly not going to agree to meet you somewhere else!

And, finally, I really hesitate to post someone's ENTIRE eHarmony profile.  I mean, I don't actually want any of these guys to be found out by family and friends as someone who's committed some sort of Single Girl Non-Recommended Online Dating Faux Pas.  But, our friend Michael, here, has posted so little information about himself, that I feel none of his friends would recognize him.  After all, his photo was quite clearly taken in 1975.  (At least, I hope his photo was taken in 1975.  If it was taken recently, we have bigger problems on our hands!)

Wow.  That's just a wealth of information there.  Let's take into account that the "According to my friends" question is multiple choice.  That means this guy managed to write an online dating profile using just 15 words, including his name.  That's impressive.  Can you imagine sitting across the table at dinner with him?

Question:  "So, what do you like to do?"

Answer:  "Stuff."

Question:  "Cool.  What kind of stuff?'

Answer:  "Um...fun...stuff."

Oh, wait, I've already been on that date.